Testings on hold

James and I went to an infertility doctor a couple weeks ago to see if there are any testing out there to help us for future pregnancies.
The appointment went great we really liked Dr. Griffith he explain there is a seven step testing. He mentioned that 70% of the time he is able to find something.
The first step was tons of blood work from me and one little tube of blood from James that's it! After that I was suppose to call Dr. Griffith and let him know the 1st day of my period to proceed with further testing.
I have been a little stressed out about having the procedure done and aslsoJames has been out of a job.
I was schedule to star my period on October 31 and I didn't which no big deal because I was having menstrual cramps so I thought. Two days went by and nothing but I figured that it was stress plus I just had a miscarriage and I figured my body is still trying to go back to normal but NOPE! I am pregnant once again... When I saw the two lines I started to cry like a baby. I couldn't stop sobbing and eventually my husband found me in the restroom with a pregnancy test in my hand crying like a mad woman.
I have no idea what is going to happen this time around so I just have to remember what I read the other day " If God brought you to it he will bring you through it"
I called the Dr. 's office the next day and they immediately began blood work, progesterone, and baby aspirin.
I have another appointment on Monday for blood work to make sure the numbers are increasing like they are suppose to.
I'm a little anxious but I'm trying to think that I'm not pregnant and believe it or not it has helped so far.
I think once I see a heartbeat I can be at peace and relax a little.

Hope's 2nd Birthday in Heaven!

So my baby Hope has been in Heave for two years now and I miss my first love so much!! I can not believe that two years later not only we lost Hope, our son Luke and baby Faith two months ago. I am so happy that my babies are in heaven with the Lord and they are being God's little warriors.
I am heart broken for James and I since we are the parents of three angels and we have no living children. I know that having a baby here on earth replaces ANY of our babies in heaven.
All James and I want is to have the joy of having a baby without adding more angels in heaven. I was feeling sad Sunday morning because I was thinking of Hope and weather it was a boy or a girl, and who did he/she looks like, and how long before we meet out little one!
Hope has giving me so many blessings and so much love. This experience has brought heart ache and Joy all at once.

Happy belated Heavenly Birthday my precious child !

The Walk To Remember

I know I am a little late but I had not had the energy to write about anything and tonight I want to. October 1, 2011 was the M.E.N.D. to remember and I was so happy a lot of my family was able to come and share that special moment with us <3 Although I was a little upset because they were a little late to the ceremony but once they got there I was happy.

My awesome mom paid for us to have shirts made for that day and James came up with the design in just a few hours which was pretty stressful but I think he did a pretty good job ;) I mean we only had 5 days before the walk and needed to come up with something quick in order to get the shirts in time and after the Walk we went to have dinner and got so many compliments on them which made James very proud of his hard work!

Last Year the weather was awesome but I have to say this year the day was just too beautiful and wishes that it was outdoors but living in Houston that is not always the best way to go. I was in love with the ornaments Robyn made and I can't wait to put them on my Christmas tree! It was special when James and I had to hang the ornaments on the tree but sad in our hearts to add one more ornament but happy that we have three beautiful babies waiting for us :)



My favorite part of this is of course the balloon release and this one was amazing! my family got to write on the balloons and dad even drew my babies insect I identify them by and it was pretty sweet. Dad is so creative and surprises me with his crazy creativity I mean what can I say I am daddy's girl.

Last year and this year we tied all of our balloons together and then released them to destination heaven where three beautiful angels await for us in a beautiful place.

The sun was just stunning!

Don&apos;t wanna forget!!

I do not know why but today I have felt the need to record EVERYTHING! about my babies that I can remember. I feel like if I don't I will forget and regret it badly. I even took some sleeping pills but I even feel hypier and anxious about writing.

Maybe is because this month has been extremely overwhelming!! I lost baby hope 2 1/2 weeks ago, Hope's 2nd anniversary is coming up next month, and Luke....Luke is always in my mind because everything reminds me of him.

I have been replaying Luke's birth over and over in my head. I replay it and guilt comes and over powers my beautiful memories and then the Holy Spirit comes to my rescue by reminding me my prayer to God when the nurse said the words I did not want to hear "you are 2cmm dilated". I prayed to the Lord and specifically asked him to do what it was best for the both of us. I told God that my life and my son's were in his hands and that I trusted him and to let it be his will.

That is when I realized that God's will was done and I have to understand that God could of saved Luke if he wanted to even though I feel like I didn't go to the hospital quickly enough. God brought Lazarus back from the death so if God's plans were for Luke to live on this earth, God would of let him live.

God's plans are greater than mine so I know Hope, Luke and Faith are part of the bigger picture I can't see yet. I just know in my heart that I do't want to forget any detail of my babies and I need to stop for a moment through out the day and write down everything and anything about their tiny lives :)

Our thrid loss

So I was right! as much as I hate to say it I knew my motherly instinct. All my family and friends were saying I was way too negative about this pregnancy and that I needed to relax and be positive.

Well We went to the doctor almost two weeks ago and found out that we were not gonna have a baby. Apparently this pregnancy was abnormal like Hope and the baby just stopped developing.

It was like I knew this was gonna happen but yet I had hope in my heart that may be the third was going to be the charm. I don't know what to think anymore or where we are standing as future pregnancies but I am still clinging to God and his mercy. I have no clue what the guy is doing up there but I know in my heart he has something good in store for us.

I hate to see my better half hurting and wondering "what the heck!" but I know he feels the same way about God and how he has something for us. I can not even digest it yet that we lost our third baby!

Luke's 1st birthday in heaven!

So Luke's birthday was last Tuesday July 26 and even tough I was anticipating the day it turned out to be so awesome!

We started our morning by picking up Elmo cup cakes and flowers to celebrate. We fidget went to the Methodist Hospital to my OBGYN office to drop off some of the boxes I made. We delivered 20 Hope's Butterfly Kisses boxed and cup cakes for the staff.

From there we headed to TRH where Luke was born and delivered the rest of the boxes and cup cakes for his nurses. Sadly we didn't get to see any of our nurses but it was worth going. The nurses that received the boxes were very happy that I brought them oh and happy about the cup cakes...lol

After all that running we had a service for our son and it was so beautiful. My family and friends from MEND were there. I did not cry the whole day. I was more happy for all the blessings We have received through Luke's life. Luke did not live in this earthly life but he has impacted so many lives that is hard to comprehend.

I was very thankful for having such a great 1st birthday heaven for Luke.

down

I woke up feeling down today & I hate that feeling. I need to snap out of it and try my best to enjoy my weekend. I can't wait for Luke's birthday :) I miss him so much that I wish I could see him one more time. I feel like a bad mother for getting pregnant before my little man's 1st birthday . I feel that my worry and anxiety has over shadow his birthday. I also feel bad with penitent because I'm trying really hard to be indifferent to him/she bring in my womb & being part of me. I just want to feel better & all this fear to go away.

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5 weeks!

So tomorrow according to the baby calculator I will be 5 weeks. I just found out a week ago & it feels like it has been an eternity which means I have another 5 weeks to make it to my first ob appointment.

It is strange that I don't have the same symptoms as my first two pregnancies and in a way I feel paranoid. I feel good though but I also know is early in the pregnancy.

I really try not to think about it so I don't worry about it. I don't want to live like this though out this journey.

It is hard to trust God right know and it sounds wrong because he is the only way and the only one that is in control of my life and this baby. It is hard to pray form a healthy baby because I did that with Hope and Luke and they are not here with me. I know that they are in a better place than here and they have a HUGE purpose in heaven. I just miss my babies that's all....

keeping it a secret

Part of me wants to keep my pregnancy a secret in case something bad happening I don't feel like a failure again. My husband doesn't think that I should because at the end of the day family and friends are needed during happy & tough times
I guess he is right but I am terribly scared & I'm having a rough time hearing "congrats!!".
I know it sounds silly but I feel people shouldn't congratulate me because there is either a long roars or a very short one ahead of us.
I love this baby already but I feel like is hard to get attached in fear of suffering once again.
We have awesome family & friends so I don't think I can keep it a secret. I want to be discrete about it since I know other women that have gone throughmy path just here recently & don't want to upset.
I don't know what God had in store for me but whatever it is I am here to be used by him.
As I have done in the past I offer God my child and let it be his will.

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Two lines

July 12, 2012 I found out I am pregnant again!!! I just blog about getting on birth control and being nervous about our genetics appt.
I have to say the appointment went well and we got positive news.
I haven't been able to digest this part of me feels terrified, sad, nervous and a little happy.
I am not afraid of having a child but rather loosing another one.
I still think I am in denial & hasn't sink in so I catch my self looking at the pregnancy test with the two lines confirming the unexpected.

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Playing catch up!

So Luke's 1st birthday is right around the corner and so much to do! I finally finished all 35 beed bracelets that will go in Hope's Butterfly Kisses boxes but I still have get some of these boxes, paint them and put each one together. I know what your thinking 35 boxes is not that much...trust me I thought the same thing and now I realize how much work is involve.

Beside my boxes we finally decided to make an appointment with a genetic counselor. I really think is pointless but is something my husband feels more comfortable doing so I will compromise. We were suppose to meet with this genetic counselor last year right after we lost out little man and it feels like we are catching up.

I also decided to get on birth control and I am a little scared since I have never been on it but I hope it all goes well. It is almost a year since loosing Luke and I thought I would feel ready to try again, but is not the case.

I think baby #3 is going to happen when it does and if it doesn't then we will go to plan B, C, or D (which I have no clue what they are yet). I know for sure that I am not getting another puppy to cure my baby fever....lol three dogs are more than enough but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Tonight I need to clean mi Casa because it is a disaster since I have been working a lot I feel like I have no time for nothing.

I have to re order Luke's birthday cards because I am such a dumb a@$$ and misspelled a word on the cards and my husband was upset because I didn't let him proof read them prior to ordering the.Also he is upset because I didn't make him part of it ordering his birthday cards. Who understands them! Sometimes he wants to participate and sometimes like it doesn't matter what I do regarding Luke and Hope.

I really wanted to have a Catholic service on Luke's birthday and have family and friends come but I have no idea if my church would do something like that since he was not baptized prior
to passing away. There are so many "rules" in my faith that I'm not sure. But as always I left everything at the last minute and I think is a little too late. Maybe next year :)

So much to do in so little time!!!

30 days and counting!

I can't be alive that in less 30 day it will be Luke's 1st birthday in heaven! Some days seem like it has been for ever and others seems like it was yesterday when I was on my way to the hospital thinking I just had an infection. Never I imagine I would deliver Luke in less than 24 hours after being in the hospital.

I miss my little guy and often struggle with the decision of becoming pregnant again. I am anticipating his birthday because I have no clue how I would feel that day. I also anticipate it because I made these comfort boxes that will be donated to my doctor's office for BLM. This also means I need to hurry up and finish up this project.

I am also looking forward to our trip to celebrate our son's birthday and his short little life. I love you and miss you my Luke!

It has been a while....

It has been a long tie since I blog and I have all these stuff build up that I can't even explain!!! I want to SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel ANGRY something I haven't felt in a while. My pain has not gone away but the anger had faded away so I thought. I miss my babies so much and I feel weak again. Right after Luke I felt so strong and ready to face life with all its good and bad that has to offer me....But as usual I was wrong! I am not super woman and I am not strong! Being strong was a promise made to my son on the way to the hospital that I kept just for long enough.

I know God loves me and does not desires to hurt me but I have no idea why he choose me to be the mother of angels. I do not wish this pain on anyone else but I wish people would understand  this pain and anger that I am feeling.

For the last few weeks I struggle to get up in the mornings and I can't not explain how hard it is to put up a show at work and try my best to perform, but I am not. At least not how I want to and that makes me more angry.

I wish people's actions would not affect me as much as they do right now and yes I am serious about wanting to SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!

It's almost here...

Today has been a great day over all but as the day ends my sadness, emptiness, and fears rush through my body. For the last two weeks I have tried really hard to be strong and not to think about Mother's day at all to prevent any anxiety and until mid day I was fine.

James and I went to have dinner to celebrate his upcoming birthday coming up on Tuesday May 10, which by the way he was born on the official Mother's day in Mexico. No matter if is Monday, Tuesday or any day during the week May 10th is the day we celebrate our moms.

It was fun to got and have dinner at a place we don't go often and the go for our usual cup of Starbucks! Once we sat outside with this beautiful night I confessed to him that while running the streets today I saw many moms with their children and a couple of them they had children with down syndrome.

I confessed to my husband that I envy them because even though I do not know the intensity and challenge of having a child with down syndrome I wish God would of allowed us to walk that road with Luke.

My mind was also playing tricks in my head thinking "maybe God changed his mind thinking James and could not handle raising Luke and giving him a good life style". But then I ask myself "what can of God do I serve?" I serve God almighty which is ALWAYS in control and know exactly what he is doing with our lives. I also keep reminding myself of how God will not give us something we can not bear with....

It sometimes feels difficult to keep faith that one day we will have a kids considering since we lost two babies in 9 months. Nine months...It sounds surreal and it feels surreal!! I had not grasped the loss of one when I loose another one.

I know tomorrow will be very difficult for me and I am hoping that God will give me the strength to get through the day...to get through my 1st Mother's day with out both of my babies here on earth.

Mother's day is almost here and I feel sadness and pain....

Sundays

After losing Luke sundays were super rough on me although he was born on a Monday. I guess because Sunday morning I went in to the hospital and was told I was 2cm dialeted and felt my heart sinking in all the way to my toes.

I remember looking at the tiles on the ceiling and thinking "this can't be good". Immediately I told God that I was aware that Luke was borrowed and he belong to him and that I trusted my son's life and mine with him.

After that I felt peace in my heart and hope that God would do what was best for Luke and not was best for me.

All day Sunday I kept hearing his heart beating strong and beautifully. I wish that I will never forget that sound but often fear that the sound is fading into memories.

After three months of Luke passing away Sundays have gotten better but there are still times when I have a rough one specially if I'm off work. I have no idea how I'm going to deal with my 1st mother's day without him on a Sunday.

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At the book store

So I went to a Christian book store with my love tonight and I always feel so great when I do. But tonight I battle in there big time.

The first thing that stroke me was a little figurine from willow tree of a little boy holding a balloon that said Hope and immediately I thought "Luke is holding a balloon up to his big sister" I felt this weird ,spooky ,happy and sad feeling all at once.

Then I saw many things mother day related and I keep wanting just to cry because I said to God while I was at the store "I am a mother without her children and I am not sad because I am not pregnant but because my children aren't with me".

Then I saw a prayer that said something like "God please protect my children from any harm every day" and I suddenly realized that I am a lucky mom in the sense of skipping this prayer because I know my babies are in heaven with our Lord and I don't have to worry about their well being because they are in heaven..in the best place in the entire universe and it is probably the best mother's day gift ever.

I'm ok not being pregnant

Ever since I lost my babies I have been missing being pregnant. Usually I envy those women who are expecting at the moment, not because I am evil but because I desire to be a full time mom.

Today I saw myself in the mirror as I was getting ready for work and said "I am OK not being pregnant". I still want to be a mom to a third sunshine but only time will tell. Meanwhile I am living life as a mother of two angels that are serving a greater purpose that I can even image :)

Love and Peace

Fear of loosing

After loosing Hope and Luke I realized that loosing a child is one of the most painful loses anyone can experience. I thought that I had master the feeling of "fear" the fear of loosing someone or something you love. I figured that if I knew that I was loosing someone I love I would probably be OK with it and deal with it very well.

On Tuesday my two year old malti poo ended up at the vet because she had bloody diarrhea. I was told she had to stay overnight and I was ok with it. I knew I would miss her but I also knew she needed to get better. When I got home  it really hit me that she wasn't running around like a wild horse, then fear hit me! the fear of not seeing her again and hearing her whine or bark at me because she is being ignored.

At that moment I realized that even tough I have experienced loosing Hope and Luke thatI am not excempted from the fear of loosing someone I love like my crazy chicken Noelle.

Luke

Three days ago  was the sixth month of Luke's birth but I was so busy at work all day that I didn't get a chance to write much or do much to acknowledge that day. The only thing I did was to look at his picture that I have on my desk and said to myself "today is going to be a good day, and it would be pretty cool if I get a lease" and I did!

Call it weird or just simply my little angel and his little sibling Hope were my little helpers at work making that day a success :) I missed him that day just like any other but I just couldn't stop thinking how big and beautiful he would be at six months of age. I couldn't help think what kind of journey would of been if my God would of let him stay with us?

I know Luke and Hope have such a greater purpose in life that not even my brain understands. I know now that the Lord is so perfect that made them perfect. Luke  was such a blessing and still is. My angels are the reason why I keep going and wake up each morning wanting to live my life next to the best man I could of asked for.

When I think of Luke I smile and I see his face as I close my eyes. I know my son was special baby and many challenges were coming our way but I know I would of embraced every singe moment of those challenges.

I can not stand  moms that complaint about the most pitiful things in the world when it comes to their children. Some moms complaint about "they are boys and I always wanted a girl" or "they are too hyper" and I think really? A child is such a blessing and I can not wait to experience the joy and aches that comes with being a mom.

I am a mom. I am Luke's mother.....writing this feels amazing!! I am a mom and I am Luke's mom. I am a mom and I am Hope's mom and I can't wait to one day spend eternity with them :)

HOPE

Tonight I have been thinking about my first love as a mommy. I have been thinking about my tiny blue butterfly that  I named Hope.

Hope is the feeling that I get that hopefully one day we will get the opportunity  to raise a child on earth, without forgetting what Hope has given me the gift of motherhood.

I miss you and always will my beautiful child.

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Patience

According to Wikipedia the following is the meaning of Patience ":is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without acting on annoyance/anger in a negative way; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties. Patience is the level of endurance one's character can take before negativity. It is also used to refer to the character trait of being steadfast".

It is very difficult to understand the real meaning of this word and more difficult to practice it. It is amazing how we get tested on a daily basis to be patient. When we go grocery shopping and we have to wait in line st the register. Or when we are stuck in traffic or speeding even on a day that we do not even have to work but yet we cut off the driver in front of us.

When we pray to God for certain things we want fast response and want our issues resolved instantly and when we do not get our way we suddenly loose hope, faith and patience... I am so guilty of all the above specially when people treat you like you are not capable to complete the most simply tasks and insult you by doubting your knowledge like your boss....lol I am still thankful I have a job but oh boy! it is a challenge to be patient with her.

After loosing my two little angels makes it a little harder to be patient but I just pray to God that I will recover some of the patience I once use to posses :)

The hardest part...

You would be two months today if you would of arrived on your actual due date and because of that you have been on my mind all day. I have been wondering how it would be like to hold you in my arms and have your little hand hold mine. You and Hope are always in my heart and always be because you are the best blue butterflies in the blue skies.

The Hardest part of all these is to be a mother of two beautiful angels and not having them and see them grow. I know you are in a great place but the hardest part is that I am not there with you two.
"I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
You're a silver lining the clouds
Oh and I
Oh and I
I wonder what it’s all about
I wonder what it’s all about"

Happy days in heaven and I will see you soon :)