Emma's 1st Birthday!!

Emma's 1st Birthday Party!! My sweetness turned one in a blink of an eye. My precious loving girl is growing so fast and each day it passes by I'm more and more in love with her. I can't believe she is mine! It's hard to believe God gifted to me this beautiful girl and I am so undeserving of her. God I thank you for this child and the four that are with you. I love Emma's love for me is like no other I have experience before. I have experience the love I have as a mother when birthing our first born but this is the first time I get to feel my child love me back in such a beautiful way. My heart smiled and rejoiced seeing Emma be so her at her birthday party. She was happy, wild and teething  toddler. I will be honest I get physically tire as most moms do but my heart never wants to miss a beat. Every moment I treasure twice much, once for her and once for Luke. By no means I'm trying to live his life through hers but I enjoy her milestones as if I was celebrating his too. It's hard to explain but I don't want to take Emma for granted as I wish I got to celebrate Luke's milestone and I know I never will. Being a grieving mom is complicated and not easy. I think being a mon period is the most difficult job ever but the most rewarding in the entire universe. I often think of Mary on how she felt as she gave birth to our savior and loved him and care for him knowing he was going to die for us. I view Mary as one if us grieving moms only difference she knew her son will die and I didn't and to be honest I don't know which one is worst. Emma Grace Johnson my little girl I hope one day you have the opportunity to be a mommy if that is what God has planned for you because you will be in love with you child like I am with you and your brother. I hope that one day like Mary you follow God. As I think no one else loves you more than me, God does and you will see and learn it pretty soon. I love you my Bonita with all my heart and momma is happy that you had a wonderful 1st Birthday.

I am thankful but I still hurt

One thing my mom always taught me was to be thankful for the little or the much that we had. One of the things she taught me at an early age was to say "thank you". We prayed before meals and thank God for them. We prayed before bed and Thank him for all his glory.

I have always been thankful for the good and even the bad that life throws at me. No one really likes the bad and how does it make sense to be thankful for it. Well I was also taught by mom that we learned from the bad that we go though life and makes us stronger and better.

I have always consider myself VERY blessed or for those who think being blessed is lucky then I guess I am lucky too. I had a "normal" childhood , family and life. Life has ups and downs and pains and aces. Life has happy moments too and let me Thank God for that!

Today I am thankful because even though sometime I wish would of gone back to college and finish a bachelor's degree or had a higher paying job, I am thankful for what I currently have. I am beyond blessed to have supportive parents, brothers, and a few friends. I have in my eyes and heart the BEST  husband in the entire universe. I have the most beautiful, happy, lovable, adorable, precious and just amazing little girl that fills my heart with much joy that I feel like one of these days it will explode.

And somewhere along the lines of all this mess that I am writing I am hurting. I am hurting just like everyone else that is going through something bad or difficult in their lives. I don't think that my pain is greater than anyone else's but I am sure that my pain is well justified.

I am mother with a broken heart. I am Emma's mother but I am also my first born's mother. Yes I am the mother of my precious boy. I am the mother of a beautiful boy that is in heaven. I am also the mother of three other angels that I did not get to hold in my arms or see.

I am hurting because one of these angels is still inside of me. My precious baby is no longer alive but still in his/her mommy's womb. I am hurting because although I know the drill it still hurst physically, emotionally, and mentally.

I am thankful!!!! I am!! but I am hurting!! I am hurting and there is nothing wrong with that. I don't love my daughter less for hurting. I do not neglect her for hurting. It does not make me a bad mother for hurting.

So don't judge me be cause the man above doesn't!

31st Birthday!

Birthdays are usually anticipated by most people when we are very young and dreaded by other as we grow old. Birthdays form me have always been simple and fun. My birthdays are always surrounded by family.

This year was not the exception! But it was the BEST birthday I ever had. It was not the best because I got many gifts, or got tons of cash, or has a huge surprise party. It was the best because I woke up to this...

This was a reminder of why I love my husband so much and is not because what's in that box but because how thoughtful he is and has always been. He makes me feel so loved, so wanted, and so happy. He is not the only reason why this birthday was the best. Emma Grace is another huge reason why my birthday was the best.

Emma arrived to my life 7 months ago and as I see her very day I still can't believe she is here! Emma is the rainbow after our huge storm. Emma is the silver lining the cloud that we had been waiting for. She makes me so happy. She makes me feel so much more in love with her daddy. Emma is a reminder of the love that God has for us. She is also a reminder of how thankful I am to be her mother.

I still remember the day she was born. As I push that one last time I heard the doctor say "she is here"  I was waiting to hear her cry but all I recall is James say "Praise God!" Over and over again.  I saw the doctor hold Emma close to me and asking James if he wanted to cut her unbiblical cord and seeing him do it. As I was witnessing all of this there was no instant emotion until Emma was place in my arms. In that moment I cried, sob, and smiled all at the same time.

It was almost three years after we lost Hope that precious Emma came to our lives and although the pain of loosing our first three little angels I am so happy and thankful for our baby girl that I think I would do it all over gain. This does not mean that I will forget our to babies lost through miscarriage or our son Luke. It just means that even tough I have no idea why God chose me to be the mother of three angels I am more than honored and privileged to have carried them physically for short time but will forever hold them in my heart.

It is amazing to see my parents love on Emma. It is almost like Emma gets grandparents, parents, and uncle love times four. I know she defiantly gets is from me. I am a big loving person and I get it from my momma.

I'm a blessed 31 year old mother of four, a daughter, sister and friend. I'm lucky to have the husband I do, the parents I have, family and friends. Today I got tons of birthday balloons at work and its funny they still make me happy on birthdays and its funnier to see these balloons my girl smile really big :)

Cheers to many more happy Birthdays to come!