Sundays

After losing Luke sundays were super rough on me although he was born on a Monday. I guess because Sunday morning I went in to the hospital and was told I was 2cm dialeted and felt my heart sinking in all the way to my toes.

I remember looking at the tiles on the ceiling and thinking "this can't be good". Immediately I told God that I was aware that Luke was borrowed and he belong to him and that I trusted my son's life and mine with him.

After that I felt peace in my heart and hope that God would do what was best for Luke and not was best for me.

All day Sunday I kept hearing his heart beating strong and beautifully. I wish that I will never forget that sound but often fear that the sound is fading into memories.

After three months of Luke passing away Sundays have gotten better but there are still times when I have a rough one specially if I'm off work. I have no idea how I'm going to deal with my 1st mother's day without him on a Sunday.

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At the book store

So I went to a Christian book store with my love tonight and I always feel so great when I do. But tonight I battle in there big time.

The first thing that stroke me was a little figurine from willow tree of a little boy holding a balloon that said Hope and immediately I thought "Luke is holding a balloon up to his big sister" I felt this weird ,spooky ,happy and sad feeling all at once.

Then I saw many things mother day related and I keep wanting just to cry because I said to God while I was at the store "I am a mother without her children and I am not sad because I am not pregnant but because my children aren't with me".

Then I saw a prayer that said something like "God please protect my children from any harm every day" and I suddenly realized that I am a lucky mom in the sense of skipping this prayer because I know my babies are in heaven with our Lord and I don't have to worry about their well being because they are in heaven..in the best place in the entire universe and it is probably the best mother's day gift ever.