Don't wanna forget!!

I do not know why but today I have felt the need to record EVERYTHING! about my babies that I can remember. I feel like if I don't I will forget and regret it badly. I even took some sleeping pills but I even feel hypier and anxious about writing.

Maybe is because this month has been extremely overwhelming!! I lost baby hope 2 1/2 weeks ago, Hope's 2nd anniversary is coming up next month, and Luke....Luke is always in my mind because everything reminds me of him.

I have been replaying Luke's birth over and over in my head. I replay it and guilt comes and over powers my beautiful memories and then the Holy Spirit comes to my rescue by reminding me my prayer to God when the nurse said the words I did not want to hear "you are 2cmm dilated". I prayed to the Lord and specifically asked him to do what it was best for the both of us. I told God that my life and my son's were in his hands and that I trusted him and to let it be his will.

That is when I realized that God's will was done and I have to understand that God could of saved Luke if he wanted to even though I feel like I didn't go to the hospital quickly enough. God brought Lazarus back from the death so if God's plans were for Luke to live on this earth, God would of let him live.

God's plans are greater than mine so I know Hope, Luke and Faith are part of the bigger picture I can't see yet. I just know in my heart that I do't want to forget any detail of my babies and I need to stop for a moment through out the day and write down everything and anything about their tiny lives :)

Our thrid loss

So I was right! as much as I hate to say it I knew my motherly instinct. All my family and friends were saying I was way too negative about this pregnancy and that I needed to relax and be positive.

Well We went to the doctor almost two weeks ago and found out that we were not gonna have a baby. Apparently this pregnancy was abnormal like Hope and the baby just stopped developing.

It was like I knew this was gonna happen but yet I had hope in my heart that may be the third was going to be the charm. I don't know what to think anymore or where we are standing as future pregnancies but I am still clinging to God and his mercy. I have no clue what the guy is doing up there but I know in my heart he has something good in store for us.

I hate to see my better half hurting and wondering "what the heck!" but I know he feels the same way about God and how he has something for us. I can not even digest it yet that we lost our third baby!