Sunday, June 26, 2011

30 days and counting!

I can't be alive that in less 30 day it will be Luke's 1st birthday in heaven! Some days seem like it has been for ever and others seems like it was yesterday when I was on my way to the hospital thinking I just had an infection. Never I imagine I would deliver Luke in less than 24 hours after being in the hospital.

I miss my little guy and often struggle with the decision of becoming pregnant again. I am anticipating his birthday because I have no clue how I would feel that day. I also anticipate it because I made these comfort boxes that will be donated to my doctor's office for BLM. This also means I need to hurry up and finish up this project.

I am also looking forward to our trip to celebrate our son's birthday and his short little life. I love you and miss you my Luke!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

It has been a while....

It has been a long tie since I blog and I have all these stuff build up that I can't even explain!!! I want to SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel ANGRY something I haven't felt in a while. My pain has not gone away but the anger had faded away so I thought. I miss my babies so much and I feel weak again. Right after Luke I felt so strong and ready to face life with all its good and bad that has to offer me....But as usual I was wrong! I am not super woman and I am not strong! Being strong was a promise made to my son on the way to the hospital that I kept just for long enough.

I know God loves me and does not desires to hurt me but I have no idea why he choose me to be the mother of angels. I do not wish this pain on anyone else but I wish people would understand  this pain and anger that I am feeling.

For the last few weeks I struggle to get up in the mornings and I can't not explain how hard it is to put up a show at work and try my best to perform, but I am not. At least not how I want to and that makes me more angry.

I wish people's actions would not affect me as much as they do right now and yes I am serious about wanting to SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!