Hope as I like to call my blue butterfly was our first love! We were not trying to get pregnant and it just happened. I was so happy and kinda in disbelief since I never imagine what it would feel like to find out your pregnant. You know the saying "as soon as you pee on the stick, you fall in love with your baby" well it is so true. I have not seen, felt or heard Hope's tiny life yet but I was so in love with this child, well I'm still in love with this child.
Not long after our first ultrasound we knew something was not right because we didn't get the traditional picture. One Monday I receive a call from the nurse at my doctor's office to inform me that we were having an abnormal pregnancy. My world crumbled in matter of seconds and have no idea what God had planned for me.
My Doctor said miscarriages are so common now a days and 25% of all pregnancies end in a miscarriage, not to worry about it. She claims that I am young and healthy and having a baby should not be an issue.
At 12 weeks I experienced some of the most physical and emotional pain I have ever experienced. I miscarried my baby in my apartment bathroom and I had nothing to remember her/him. I have no ultra sound pictures, baby clothes, memories to built. My heart was empty of emotions but filled with anger, if that even makes sense.
I have no idea the gender of Jude Hope Johnson or how he/she looks like and I never heard or saw a heart beat but I know how much I this child means to me and that one day I will meet my first love as a mother when I get to heaven :) Meanwhile I will always remember the love and happiness that this baby brought to us as a family for 12 tiny weeks.
