30 days and counting!

I can't be alive that in less 30 day it will be Luke's 1st birthday in heaven! Some days seem like it has been for ever and others seems like it was yesterday when I was on my way to the hospital thinking I just had an infection. Never I imagine I would deliver Luke in less than 24 hours after being in the hospital.

I miss my little guy and often struggle with the decision of becoming pregnant again. I am anticipating his birthday because I have no clue how I would feel that day. I also anticipate it because I made these comfort boxes that will be donated to my doctor's office for BLM. This also means I need to hurry up and finish up this project.

I am also looking forward to our trip to celebrate our son's birthday and his short little life. I love you and miss you my Luke!

It has been a while....

It has been a long tie since I blog and I have all these stuff build up that I can't even explain!!! I want to SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel ANGRY something I haven't felt in a while. My pain has not gone away but the anger had faded away so I thought. I miss my babies so much and I feel weak again. Right after Luke I felt so strong and ready to face life with all its good and bad that has to offer me....But as usual I was wrong! I am not super woman and I am not strong! Being strong was a promise made to my son on the way to the hospital that I kept just for long enough.

I know God loves me and does not desires to hurt me but I have no idea why he choose me to be the mother of angels. I do not wish this pain on anyone else but I wish people would understand  this pain and anger that I am feeling.

For the last few weeks I struggle to get up in the mornings and I can't not explain how hard it is to put up a show at work and try my best to perform, but I am not. At least not how I want to and that makes me more angry.

I wish people's actions would not affect me as much as they do right now and yes I am serious about wanting to SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!

It's almost here...

Today has been a great day over all but as the day ends my sadness, emptiness, and fears rush through my body. For the last two weeks I have tried really hard to be strong and not to think about Mother's day at all to prevent any anxiety and until mid day I was fine.

James and I went to have dinner to celebrate his upcoming birthday coming up on Tuesday May 10, which by the way he was born on the official Mother's day in Mexico. No matter if is Monday, Tuesday or any day during the week May 10th is the day we celebrate our moms.

It was fun to got and have dinner at a place we don't go often and the go for our usual cup of Starbucks! Once we sat outside with this beautiful night I confessed to him that while running the streets today I saw many moms with their children and a couple of them they had children with down syndrome.

I confessed to my husband that I envy them because even though I do not know the intensity and challenge of having a child with down syndrome I wish God would of allowed us to walk that road with Luke.

My mind was also playing tricks in my head thinking "maybe God changed his mind thinking James and could not handle raising Luke and giving him a good life style". But then I ask myself "what can of God do I serve?" I serve God almighty which is ALWAYS in control and know exactly what he is doing with our lives. I also keep reminding myself of how God will not give us something we can not bear with....

It sometimes feels difficult to keep faith that one day we will have a kids considering since we lost two babies in 9 months. Nine months...It sounds surreal and it feels surreal!! I had not grasped the loss of one when I loose another one.

I know tomorrow will be very difficult for me and I am hoping that God will give me the strength to get through the day...to get through my 1st Mother's day with out both of my babies here on earth.

Mother's day is almost here and I feel sadness and pain....

Sundays

After losing Luke sundays were super rough on me although he was born on a Monday. I guess because Sunday morning I went in to the hospital and was told I was 2cm dialeted and felt my heart sinking in all the way to my toes.

I remember looking at the tiles on the ceiling and thinking "this can't be good". Immediately I told God that I was aware that Luke was borrowed and he belong to him and that I trusted my son's life and mine with him.

After that I felt peace in my heart and hope that God would do what was best for Luke and not was best for me.

All day Sunday I kept hearing his heart beating strong and beautifully. I wish that I will never forget that sound but often fear that the sound is fading into memories.

After three months of Luke passing away Sundays have gotten better but there are still times when I have a rough one specially if I'm off work. I have no idea how I'm going to deal with my 1st mother's day without him on a Sunday.

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At the book store

So I went to a Christian book store with my love tonight and I always feel so great when I do. But tonight I battle in there big time.

The first thing that stroke me was a little figurine from willow tree of a little boy holding a balloon that said Hope and immediately I thought "Luke is holding a balloon up to his big sister" I felt this weird ,spooky ,happy and sad feeling all at once.

Then I saw many things mother day related and I keep wanting just to cry because I said to God while I was at the store "I am a mother without her children and I am not sad because I am not pregnant but because my children aren't with me".

Then I saw a prayer that said something like "God please protect my children from any harm every day" and I suddenly realized that I am a lucky mom in the sense of skipping this prayer because I know my babies are in heaven with our Lord and I don't have to worry about their well being because they are in heaven..in the best place in the entire universe and it is probably the best mother's day gift ever.

I'm ok not being pregnant

Ever since I lost my babies I have been missing being pregnant. Usually I envy those women who are expecting at the moment, not because I am evil but because I desire to be a full time mom.

Today I saw myself in the mirror as I was getting ready for work and said "I am OK not being pregnant". I still want to be a mom to a third sunshine but only time will tell. Meanwhile I am living life as a mother of two angels that are serving a greater purpose that I can even image :)

Love and Peace

Fear of loosing

After loosing Hope and Luke I realized that loosing a child is one of the most painful loses anyone can experience. I thought that I had master the feeling of "fear" the fear of loosing someone or something you love. I figured that if I knew that I was loosing someone I love I would probably be OK with it and deal with it very well.

On Tuesday my two year old malti poo ended up at the vet because she had bloody diarrhea. I was told she had to stay overnight and I was ok with it. I knew I would miss her but I also knew she needed to get better. When I got home  it really hit me that she wasn't running around like a wild horse, then fear hit me! the fear of not seeing her again and hearing her whine or bark at me because she is being ignored.

At that moment I realized that even tough I have experienced loosing Hope and Luke thatI am not excempted from the fear of loosing someone I love like my crazy chicken Noelle.