Catch up!

It seems like forever since I have been here and I miss it. I think pretty soon my blog will need a make over because so much has happened in the last year since I have been blogging.
When I started my blog I had only lost Hope and Luke and I felt there was hope for one day James and I having the privilege of having a child here on earth and during that year we lost our third precious angel Faith and now expecting our fourth blessing.

Since my last posting I was 14 month pregnant and just announced to our family and close friends that we were expecting and I think I made it public on my FB when I was 15-16 weeks. Now I am almost 29 weeks and we found out we are having a beautiful baby girl!!

I feel so blessed but so overwhelmed and I do not want to seem ungrateful for all that has been accomplished so far by God's grace and love. When I was pregnant with Luke my water broke at 22 weeks and lost most of my amniotic fluid by week 23rd. Doctors are not sure why my water broke so soon so to prevent the same from happening my doctor has put me on the progesterone shot ever since I was 16 weeks. I am a big girl and I can take pain pretty good in my opinion but after a while the shots can get a little old specially the day I get them.

On our anatomy ultrasound at 22 weeks we found out our precious baby gilr is growing healthy and beautiful but I have some uterine fibroids which are not so threatening to the baby because the appeared after 20 weeks into the pregnancy. It can eventually while I get bigger and the baby pushing on my organs cause some pain and discomfort and when I deliver it can cause some bleeding. Things could be worst but is manageable and can be controlled according to the doctors.

At 26 weeks I had my glucose test and some how I managed to fail it :( Now I have gestational diabetes and I am on a 6 meal diet and have to poke my fingers four times a day. Thankfully I went to see the Fetal Maternal Medicine Doctor on Monday and our baby is doing well. I have been poking my fingers for two weeks and my hands fall asleep at night and in the morning my fingers are soared.

Like I said I am beyond thankful that God has given us the opportunity to accomplish so much with this pregnancy but I am a little discouraged. I just ask myself that after all we have gone through with loosing our first three babies can we just get a break? Some days I do really good and others I feel like a whining baby but I know I am not. I know that I am strong and I can handle it but I just wish things were a little easier.

I am afraid to express my concerns because I feel like they will think I am just complaining when may I am but don't I have a right to? Yes I have lost Hope, Luke, and Faith but I am still human and I didn't see why I have to settle and not complaint. What is wrong with wanting what others have as far as the whole pregnancy bliss?

I am having fun and happy overall but I just thinks it seems it has been one thing after another and with all this things affecting me but again very thankful that my daughter is doing great! Ugh!! I just want to feel better and not hurt.

On a positive note my friend Susie is throwing me a baby shower at work next Friday and I am both excited and nervous because I didn’t get to experience any of this with Luke.
On May 05, 2012 my mom is hosting another baby shower with family and friends so I am looking forward to all of that fun stuff J

I also began my search for a photographer for Maternity and new born pictures and I pray that I get the opportunity to experience that which I am super excited about capturing this pregnancy.

I know things will fall into place with God’s help and whatever comes my way he will be there for me to pick me up when I fall. I just hope and pray that soon I will be able to hold my Ema in my arms healthy and alive and it will be worth every pain, ache and frustration that I am experiencing right now…..

14 Weeks with baby #4

I have been keeping a secret that James and I are expecting blessing # 4 for obvious reasons. I actually had asked James if we could keep it a secret until hopefully with God's will I was in labour but is very unrealistic.
We went from loosing our third baby to being excited about seeing a specialist to begin testing to get some answers and a month later baby #4 was i the picture.
We did get the blood work back from the both of us and everything came back good but I can not continue further testing until I am no longer pregnant.
It has been pretty crazy 14 weeks!! I have been sleeping most of the time and more sleeping. Oh! also I have been going to the doctor every week for an ultrasound and blood work.
Three weeks ago I went back to my regular Ob and we discussed putting me on progesterone shots at 16 weeks all the way to 36 weeks. My ob mentioned that insurance companies never want to pay for them but that she was going to do her best to fight with them.
Today a nurse from my insurance company called me to let me know that it was approved!!! I have to pay my prescription co pay or my regular co pay. She also said that she was going to be checking on my every two weeks until I get to 20 weeks and then weekly after that. She was very nice and even offered to come to my house after I am 20 weeks to help prevent falls since I live in the 2nd floor apartment loft.
I really didn't think the insurance will approve for someone to come out and administer the shots and pay for them as well. The shots are retail price without insurance $1,000 so I can see why they would not want to pay $4,000 a month for me, but thanks to my amazing Lord and my doctor's office that they we got them approved!!
This week has been a week of nothing but blessing after blessing.
I often find myself being aware that even tough everything is going well so far nothing is guaranteed and that once again God is in control.
I try my hardest to enjoy each week and each milestone to the max and thank God for each week I get with my peanut. God knows what is the plan for this blessing and I am ok with what he has in store for us. As I type this is really hard to digest it...I know I trust God and I know he loves me like no one else does but yet I know he has chose me to be a mom in a very different way that I would of never choose myself.
For now I am here at 14 weeks with a little more energy to write and document this journey and praying that this journey has a happy ending :)

Testings on hold

James and I went to an infertility doctor a couple weeks ago to see if there are any testing out there to help us for future pregnancies.
The appointment went great we really liked Dr. Griffith he explain there is a seven step testing. He mentioned that 70% of the time he is able to find something.
The first step was tons of blood work from me and one little tube of blood from James that's it! After that I was suppose to call Dr. Griffith and let him know the 1st day of my period to proceed with further testing.
I have been a little stressed out about having the procedure done and aslsoJames has been out of a job.
I was schedule to star my period on October 31 and I didn't which no big deal because I was having menstrual cramps so I thought. Two days went by and nothing but I figured that it was stress plus I just had a miscarriage and I figured my body is still trying to go back to normal but NOPE! I am pregnant once again... When I saw the two lines I started to cry like a baby. I couldn't stop sobbing and eventually my husband found me in the restroom with a pregnancy test in my hand crying like a mad woman.
I have no idea what is going to happen this time around so I just have to remember what I read the other day " If God brought you to it he will bring you through it"
I called the Dr. 's office the next day and they immediately began blood work, progesterone, and baby aspirin.
I have another appointment on Monday for blood work to make sure the numbers are increasing like they are suppose to.
I'm a little anxious but I'm trying to think that I'm not pregnant and believe it or not it has helped so far.
I think once I see a heartbeat I can be at peace and relax a little.

Hope's 2nd Birthday in Heaven!

So my baby Hope has been in Heave for two years now and I miss my first love so much!! I can not believe that two years later not only we lost Hope, our son Luke and baby Faith two months ago. I am so happy that my babies are in heaven with the Lord and they are being God's little warriors.
I am heart broken for James and I since we are the parents of three angels and we have no living children. I know that having a baby here on earth replaces ANY of our babies in heaven.
All James and I want is to have the joy of having a baby without adding more angels in heaven. I was feeling sad Sunday morning because I was thinking of Hope and weather it was a boy or a girl, and who did he/she looks like, and how long before we meet out little one!
Hope has giving me so many blessings and so much love. This experience has brought heart ache and Joy all at once.

Happy belated Heavenly Birthday my precious child !

The Walk To Remember

I know I am a little late but I had not had the energy to write about anything and tonight I want to. October 1, 2011 was the M.E.N.D. to remember and I was so happy a lot of my family was able to come and share that special moment with us <3 Although I was a little upset because they were a little late to the ceremony but once they got there I was happy.

My awesome mom paid for us to have shirts made for that day and James came up with the design in just a few hours which was pretty stressful but I think he did a pretty good job ;) I mean we only had 5 days before the walk and needed to come up with something quick in order to get the shirts in time and after the Walk we went to have dinner and got so many compliments on them which made James very proud of his hard work!

Last Year the weather was awesome but I have to say this year the day was just too beautiful and wishes that it was outdoors but living in Houston that is not always the best way to go. I was in love with the ornaments Robyn made and I can't wait to put them on my Christmas tree! It was special when James and I had to hang the ornaments on the tree but sad in our hearts to add one more ornament but happy that we have three beautiful babies waiting for us :)



My favorite part of this is of course the balloon release and this one was amazing! my family got to write on the balloons and dad even drew my babies insect I identify them by and it was pretty sweet. Dad is so creative and surprises me with his crazy creativity I mean what can I say I am daddy's girl.

Last year and this year we tied all of our balloons together and then released them to destination heaven where three beautiful angels await for us in a beautiful place.

The sun was just stunning!

Don&apos;t wanna forget!!

I do not know why but today I have felt the need to record EVERYTHING! about my babies that I can remember. I feel like if I don't I will forget and regret it badly. I even took some sleeping pills but I even feel hypier and anxious about writing.

Maybe is because this month has been extremely overwhelming!! I lost baby hope 2 1/2 weeks ago, Hope's 2nd anniversary is coming up next month, and Luke....Luke is always in my mind because everything reminds me of him.

I have been replaying Luke's birth over and over in my head. I replay it and guilt comes and over powers my beautiful memories and then the Holy Spirit comes to my rescue by reminding me my prayer to God when the nurse said the words I did not want to hear "you are 2cmm dilated". I prayed to the Lord and specifically asked him to do what it was best for the both of us. I told God that my life and my son's were in his hands and that I trusted him and to let it be his will.

That is when I realized that God's will was done and I have to understand that God could of saved Luke if he wanted to even though I feel like I didn't go to the hospital quickly enough. God brought Lazarus back from the death so if God's plans were for Luke to live on this earth, God would of let him live.

God's plans are greater than mine so I know Hope, Luke and Faith are part of the bigger picture I can't see yet. I just know in my heart that I do't want to forget any detail of my babies and I need to stop for a moment through out the day and write down everything and anything about their tiny lives :)

Our thrid loss

So I was right! as much as I hate to say it I knew my motherly instinct. All my family and friends were saying I was way too negative about this pregnancy and that I needed to relax and be positive.

Well We went to the doctor almost two weeks ago and found out that we were not gonna have a baby. Apparently this pregnancy was abnormal like Hope and the baby just stopped developing.

It was like I knew this was gonna happen but yet I had hope in my heart that may be the third was going to be the charm. I don't know what to think anymore or where we are standing as future pregnancies but I am still clinging to God and his mercy. I have no clue what the guy is doing up there but I know in my heart he has something good in store for us.

I hate to see my better half hurting and wondering "what the heck!" but I know he feels the same way about God and how he has something for us. I can not even digest it yet that we lost our third baby!