5 weeks!

So tomorrow according to the baby calculator I will be 5 weeks. I just found out a week ago & it feels like it has been an eternity which means I have another 5 weeks to make it to my first ob appointment.

It is strange that I don't have the same symptoms as my first two pregnancies and in a way I feel paranoid. I feel good though but I also know is early in the pregnancy.

I really try not to think about it so I don't worry about it. I don't want to live like this though out this journey.

It is hard to trust God right know and it sounds wrong because he is the only way and the only one that is in control of my life and this baby. It is hard to pray form a healthy baby because I did that with Hope and Luke and they are not here with me. I know that they are in a better place than here and they have a HUGE purpose in heaven. I just miss my babies that's all....

keeping it a secret

Part of me wants to keep my pregnancy a secret in case something bad happening I don't feel like a failure again. My husband doesn't think that I should because at the end of the day family and friends are needed during happy & tough times
I guess he is right but I am terribly scared & I'm having a rough time hearing "congrats!!".
I know it sounds silly but I feel people shouldn't congratulate me because there is either a long roars or a very short one ahead of us.
I love this baby already but I feel like is hard to get attached in fear of suffering once again.
We have awesome family & friends so I don't think I can keep it a secret. I want to be discrete about it since I know other women that have gone throughmy path just here recently & don't want to upset.
I don't know what God had in store for me but whatever it is I am here to be used by him.
As I have done in the past I offer God my child and let it be his will.

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Two lines

July 12, 2012 I found out I am pregnant again!!! I just blog about getting on birth control and being nervous about our genetics appt.
I have to say the appointment went well and we got positive news.
I haven't been able to digest this part of me feels terrified, sad, nervous and a little happy.
I am not afraid of having a child but rather loosing another one.
I still think I am in denial & hasn't sink in so I catch my self looking at the pregnancy test with the two lines confirming the unexpected.

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Playing catch up!

So Luke's 1st birthday is right around the corner and so much to do! I finally finished all 35 beed bracelets that will go in Hope's Butterfly Kisses boxes but I still have get some of these boxes, paint them and put each one together. I know what your thinking 35 boxes is not that much...trust me I thought the same thing and now I realize how much work is involve.

Beside my boxes we finally decided to make an appointment with a genetic counselor. I really think is pointless but is something my husband feels more comfortable doing so I will compromise. We were suppose to meet with this genetic counselor last year right after we lost out little man and it feels like we are catching up.

I also decided to get on birth control and I am a little scared since I have never been on it but I hope it all goes well. It is almost a year since loosing Luke and I thought I would feel ready to try again, but is not the case.

I think baby #3 is going to happen when it does and if it doesn't then we will go to plan B, C, or D (which I have no clue what they are yet). I know for sure that I am not getting another puppy to cure my baby fever....lol three dogs are more than enough but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Tonight I need to clean mi Casa because it is a disaster since I have been working a lot I feel like I have no time for nothing.

I have to re order Luke's birthday cards because I am such a dumb a@$$ and misspelled a word on the cards and my husband was upset because I didn't let him proof read them prior to ordering the.Also he is upset because I didn't make him part of it ordering his birthday cards. Who understands them! Sometimes he wants to participate and sometimes like it doesn't matter what I do regarding Luke and Hope.

I really wanted to have a Catholic service on Luke's birthday and have family and friends come but I have no idea if my church would do something like that since he was not baptized prior
to passing away. There are so many "rules" in my faith that I'm not sure. But as always I left everything at the last minute and I think is a little too late. Maybe next year :)

So much to do in so little time!!!

30 days and counting!

I can't be alive that in less 30 day it will be Luke's 1st birthday in heaven! Some days seem like it has been for ever and others seems like it was yesterday when I was on my way to the hospital thinking I just had an infection. Never I imagine I would deliver Luke in less than 24 hours after being in the hospital.

I miss my little guy and often struggle with the decision of becoming pregnant again. I am anticipating his birthday because I have no clue how I would feel that day. I also anticipate it because I made these comfort boxes that will be donated to my doctor's office for BLM. This also means I need to hurry up and finish up this project.

I am also looking forward to our trip to celebrate our son's birthday and his short little life. I love you and miss you my Luke!

It has been a while....

It has been a long tie since I blog and I have all these stuff build up that I can't even explain!!! I want to SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel ANGRY something I haven't felt in a while. My pain has not gone away but the anger had faded away so I thought. I miss my babies so much and I feel weak again. Right after Luke I felt so strong and ready to face life with all its good and bad that has to offer me....But as usual I was wrong! I am not super woman and I am not strong! Being strong was a promise made to my son on the way to the hospital that I kept just for long enough.

I know God loves me and does not desires to hurt me but I have no idea why he choose me to be the mother of angels. I do not wish this pain on anyone else but I wish people would understand  this pain and anger that I am feeling.

For the last few weeks I struggle to get up in the mornings and I can't not explain how hard it is to put up a show at work and try my best to perform, but I am not. At least not how I want to and that makes me more angry.

I wish people's actions would not affect me as much as they do right now and yes I am serious about wanting to SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!

It's almost here...

Today has been a great day over all but as the day ends my sadness, emptiness, and fears rush through my body. For the last two weeks I have tried really hard to be strong and not to think about Mother's day at all to prevent any anxiety and until mid day I was fine.

James and I went to have dinner to celebrate his upcoming birthday coming up on Tuesday May 10, which by the way he was born on the official Mother's day in Mexico. No matter if is Monday, Tuesday or any day during the week May 10th is the day we celebrate our moms.

It was fun to got and have dinner at a place we don't go often and the go for our usual cup of Starbucks! Once we sat outside with this beautiful night I confessed to him that while running the streets today I saw many moms with their children and a couple of them they had children with down syndrome.

I confessed to my husband that I envy them because even though I do not know the intensity and challenge of having a child with down syndrome I wish God would of allowed us to walk that road with Luke.

My mind was also playing tricks in my head thinking "maybe God changed his mind thinking James and could not handle raising Luke and giving him a good life style". But then I ask myself "what can of God do I serve?" I serve God almighty which is ALWAYS in control and know exactly what he is doing with our lives. I also keep reminding myself of how God will not give us something we can not bear with....

It sometimes feels difficult to keep faith that one day we will have a kids considering since we lost two babies in 9 months. Nine months...It sounds surreal and it feels surreal!! I had not grasped the loss of one when I loose another one.

I know tomorrow will be very difficult for me and I am hoping that God will give me the strength to get through the day...to get through my 1st Mother's day with out both of my babies here on earth.

Mother's day is almost here and I feel sadness and pain....