I'm ok not being pregnant

Ever since I lost my babies I have been missing being pregnant. Usually I envy those women who are expecting at the moment, not because I am evil but because I desire to be a full time mom.

Today I saw myself in the mirror as I was getting ready for work and said "I am OK not being pregnant". I still want to be a mom to a third sunshine but only time will tell. Meanwhile I am living life as a mother of two angels that are serving a greater purpose that I can even image :)

Love and Peace

Fear of loosing

After loosing Hope and Luke I realized that loosing a child is one of the most painful loses anyone can experience. I thought that I had master the feeling of "fear" the fear of loosing someone or something you love. I figured that if I knew that I was loosing someone I love I would probably be OK with it and deal with it very well.

On Tuesday my two year old malti poo ended up at the vet because she had bloody diarrhea. I was told she had to stay overnight and I was ok with it. I knew I would miss her but I also knew she needed to get better. When I got home  it really hit me that she wasn't running around like a wild horse, then fear hit me! the fear of not seeing her again and hearing her whine or bark at me because she is being ignored.

At that moment I realized that even tough I have experienced loosing Hope and Luke thatI am not excempted from the fear of loosing someone I love like my crazy chicken Noelle.

Luke

Three days ago  was the sixth month of Luke's birth but I was so busy at work all day that I didn't get a chance to write much or do much to acknowledge that day. The only thing I did was to look at his picture that I have on my desk and said to myself "today is going to be a good day, and it would be pretty cool if I get a lease" and I did!

Call it weird or just simply my little angel and his little sibling Hope were my little helpers at work making that day a success :) I missed him that day just like any other but I just couldn't stop thinking how big and beautiful he would be at six months of age. I couldn't help think what kind of journey would of been if my God would of let him stay with us?

I know Luke and Hope have such a greater purpose in life that not even my brain understands. I know now that the Lord is so perfect that made them perfect. Luke  was such a blessing and still is. My angels are the reason why I keep going and wake up each morning wanting to live my life next to the best man I could of asked for.

When I think of Luke I smile and I see his face as I close my eyes. I know my son was special baby and many challenges were coming our way but I know I would of embraced every singe moment of those challenges.

I can not stand  moms that complaint about the most pitiful things in the world when it comes to their children. Some moms complaint about "they are boys and I always wanted a girl" or "they are too hyper" and I think really? A child is such a blessing and I can not wait to experience the joy and aches that comes with being a mom.

I am a mom. I am Luke's mother.....writing this feels amazing!! I am a mom and I am Luke's mom. I am a mom and I am Hope's mom and I can't wait to one day spend eternity with them :)

HOPE

Tonight I have been thinking about my first love as a mommy. I have been thinking about my tiny blue butterfly that  I named Hope.

Hope is the feeling that I get that hopefully one day we will get the opportunity  to raise a child on earth, without forgetting what Hope has given me the gift of motherhood.

I miss you and always will my beautiful child.

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Patience

According to Wikipedia the following is the meaning of Patience ":is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without acting on annoyance/anger in a negative way; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties. Patience is the level of endurance one's character can take before negativity. It is also used to refer to the character trait of being steadfast".

It is very difficult to understand the real meaning of this word and more difficult to practice it. It is amazing how we get tested on a daily basis to be patient. When we go grocery shopping and we have to wait in line st the register. Or when we are stuck in traffic or speeding even on a day that we do not even have to work but yet we cut off the driver in front of us.

When we pray to God for certain things we want fast response and want our issues resolved instantly and when we do not get our way we suddenly loose hope, faith and patience... I am so guilty of all the above specially when people treat you like you are not capable to complete the most simply tasks and insult you by doubting your knowledge like your boss....lol I am still thankful I have a job but oh boy! it is a challenge to be patient with her.

After loosing my two little angels makes it a little harder to be patient but I just pray to God that I will recover some of the patience I once use to posses :)

The hardest part...

You would be two months today if you would of arrived on your actual due date and because of that you have been on my mind all day. I have been wondering how it would be like to hold you in my arms and have your little hand hold mine. You and Hope are always in my heart and always be because you are the best blue butterflies in the blue skies.

The Hardest part of all these is to be a mother of two beautiful angels and not having them and see them grow. I know you are in a great place but the hardest part is that I am not there with you two.
"I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
You're a silver lining the clouds
Oh and I
Oh and I
I wonder what it’s all about
I wonder what it’s all about"

Happy days in heaven and I will see you soon :)