Emma's 1st Birthday!!

Emma's 1st Birthday Party!! My sweetness turned one in a blink of an eye. My precious loving girl is growing so fast and each day it passes by I'm more and more in love with her. I can't believe she is mine! It's hard to believe God gifted to me this beautiful girl and I am so undeserving of her. God I thank you for this child and the four that are with you. I love Emma's love for me is like no other I have experience before. I have experience the love I have as a mother when birthing our first born but this is the first time I get to feel my child love me back in such a beautiful way. My heart smiled and rejoiced seeing Emma be so her at her birthday party. She was happy, wild and teething  toddler. I will be honest I get physically tire as most moms do but my heart never wants to miss a beat. Every moment I treasure twice much, once for her and once for Luke. By no means I'm trying to live his life through hers but I enjoy her milestones as if I was celebrating his too. It's hard to explain but I don't want to take Emma for granted as I wish I got to celebrate Luke's milestone and I know I never will. Being a grieving mom is complicated and not easy. I think being a mon period is the most difficult job ever but the most rewarding in the entire universe. I often think of Mary on how she felt as she gave birth to our savior and loved him and care for him knowing he was going to die for us. I view Mary as one if us grieving moms only difference she knew her son will die and I didn't and to be honest I don't know which one is worst. Emma Grace Johnson my little girl I hope one day you have the opportunity to be a mommy if that is what God has planned for you because you will be in love with you child like I am with you and your brother. I hope that one day like Mary you follow God. As I think no one else loves you more than me, God does and you will see and learn it pretty soon. I love you my Bonita with all my heart and momma is happy that you had a wonderful 1st Birthday.

I am thankful but I still hurt

One thing my mom always taught me was to be thankful for the little or the much that we had. One of the things she taught me at an early age was to say "thank you". We prayed before meals and thank God for them. We prayed before bed and Thank him for all his glory.

I have always been thankful for the good and even the bad that life throws at me. No one really likes the bad and how does it make sense to be thankful for it. Well I was also taught by mom that we learned from the bad that we go though life and makes us stronger and better.

I have always consider myself VERY blessed or for those who think being blessed is lucky then I guess I am lucky too. I had a "normal" childhood , family and life. Life has ups and downs and pains and aces. Life has happy moments too and let me Thank God for that!

Today I am thankful because even though sometime I wish would of gone back to college and finish a bachelor's degree or had a higher paying job, I am thankful for what I currently have. I am beyond blessed to have supportive parents, brothers, and a few friends. I have in my eyes and heart the BEST  husband in the entire universe. I have the most beautiful, happy, lovable, adorable, precious and just amazing little girl that fills my heart with much joy that I feel like one of these days it will explode.

And somewhere along the lines of all this mess that I am writing I am hurting. I am hurting just like everyone else that is going through something bad or difficult in their lives. I don't think that my pain is greater than anyone else's but I am sure that my pain is well justified.

I am mother with a broken heart. I am Emma's mother but I am also my first born's mother. Yes I am the mother of my precious boy. I am the mother of a beautiful boy that is in heaven. I am also the mother of three other angels that I did not get to hold in my arms or see.

I am hurting because one of these angels is still inside of me. My precious baby is no longer alive but still in his/her mommy's womb. I am hurting because although I know the drill it still hurst physically, emotionally, and mentally.

I am thankful!!!! I am!! but I am hurting!! I am hurting and there is nothing wrong with that. I don't love my daughter less for hurting. I do not neglect her for hurting. It does not make me a bad mother for hurting.

So don't judge me be cause the man above doesn't!

31st Birthday!

Birthdays are usually anticipated by most people when we are very young and dreaded by other as we grow old. Birthdays form me have always been simple and fun. My birthdays are always surrounded by family.

This year was not the exception! But it was the BEST birthday I ever had. It was not the best because I got many gifts, or got tons of cash, or has a huge surprise party. It was the best because I woke up to this...

This was a reminder of why I love my husband so much and is not because what's in that box but because how thoughtful he is and has always been. He makes me feel so loved, so wanted, and so happy. He is not the only reason why this birthday was the best. Emma Grace is another huge reason why my birthday was the best.

Emma arrived to my life 7 months ago and as I see her very day I still can't believe she is here! Emma is the rainbow after our huge storm. Emma is the silver lining the cloud that we had been waiting for. She makes me so happy. She makes me feel so much more in love with her daddy. Emma is a reminder of the love that God has for us. She is also a reminder of how thankful I am to be her mother.

I still remember the day she was born. As I push that one last time I heard the doctor say "she is here"  I was waiting to hear her cry but all I recall is James say "Praise God!" Over and over again.  I saw the doctor hold Emma close to me and asking James if he wanted to cut her unbiblical cord and seeing him do it. As I was witnessing all of this there was no instant emotion until Emma was place in my arms. In that moment I cried, sob, and smiled all at the same time.

It was almost three years after we lost Hope that precious Emma came to our lives and although the pain of loosing our first three little angels I am so happy and thankful for our baby girl that I think I would do it all over gain. This does not mean that I will forget our to babies lost through miscarriage or our son Luke. It just means that even tough I have no idea why God chose me to be the mother of three angels I am more than honored and privileged to have carried them physically for short time but will forever hold them in my heart.

It is amazing to see my parents love on Emma. It is almost like Emma gets grandparents, parents, and uncle love times four. I know she defiantly gets is from me. I am a big loving person and I get it from my momma.

I'm a blessed 31 year old mother of four, a daughter, sister and friend. I'm lucky to have the husband I do, the parents I have, family and friends. Today I got tons of birthday balloons at work and its funny they still make me happy on birthdays and its funnier to see these balloons my girl smile really big :)

Cheers to many more happy Birthdays to come!

Life has changed

It has been a long time since I have been here and I miss it... I have been so busy with my new bundle of joy that I'm finally getting a hang of being a new mom in this world :)

My last post was about my baby showers & the happy memories I have that one day I will share with Emma.

It has been four rough month of adjusting to be a mom & still grieving my babies specially Luke.

I need to start visiting this place more often and start writing in details how my life has changed since October of 2009.

Emma Grace Johnson!!

We finally have our daughter's full name and I am very excited!! About three months ago I choose her forst name was wanting her spelling Ema because that is the original Spanish version, but came to realize that she will be correcting people on how to spell her name so we ended up going with Emma. I also like Emma because it has four letters like Luke's name and Emma are the 1st four letters of my brothers's name Emmanuel which in my opinion is one of the most beautiful name I know. As far as middle names James and I kept disagreeing on everything! we went from "Ema Ree", "Ema Jane", "Ema Pax" and even "Ema something I can't even remeber but it sounded real country...lol! Yester day before work I went to get me a biscut at Mcdonnalds and here lately out of no where I turn the station to jspj and the song Amazing grace was on. As I sat in my car after getting back from Mcdonnalds I teared up and thought how gracious my God has been through this journey of being a mom. I also was thinking of all of my babies and then went on with my day. As I am drving to work it hit me!! Grace!! Emma Grace!! I almost called my husband but decided to wait until I see him to see his honest reaction. After work I told him what happened that morning and I like Emma Grace and he said YES!! Finally we both agree on her name!! Just feel so happy about having her full name :)

Baby Shower #1

Friday April 27, 2012 my friend and co worker Susie is throwing a work baby shower at the office after work and I can't beleive I am going to say this but I am really excited!!

After loosing Luke right before we started planing his baby shower and after loosing Faith I had never been much of a baby shower fan. I am also the type of person that I do not like being the center of attention not even at my own birthday party so I tought having a baby shower would be torture for me.

Since I have a different view and I am in a different place after loosing my three precious angels I can not wait to gather with people I care about and are my second family to celebrate our daughter. I often every now and then fear things like " what if we have a baby shower and then the Lord decided to take our daughter to heaven?" Well if he does I still want to enjoy my princess and create great memories with her and my loved ones.

Also I have learned through tough times that when someone that loves you and wants to do something for you let them! I am stubborn and I try prevent others from doing things for me. Susie Garza is a great friend that I know from work and that I love dearly. She has been very excited since I got pregnant with Faith then we lost that baby and then got pregnant again with our baby girl! Susie is like an older sister to me and now she is like Emma's auntie :)

I can't wait till tomorrow and eat the cake I think is the thing I am mostly excited about the baby shower. I mean really this party is all for my princess and all there is in it for me is the cake :0

Catch up!

It seems like forever since I have been here and I miss it. I think pretty soon my blog will need a make over because so much has happened in the last year since I have been blogging.
When I started my blog I had only lost Hope and Luke and I felt there was hope for one day James and I having the privilege of having a child here on earth and during that year we lost our third precious angel Faith and now expecting our fourth blessing.

Since my last posting I was 14 month pregnant and just announced to our family and close friends that we were expecting and I think I made it public on my FB when I was 15-16 weeks. Now I am almost 29 weeks and we found out we are having a beautiful baby girl!!

I feel so blessed but so overwhelmed and I do not want to seem ungrateful for all that has been accomplished so far by God's grace and love. When I was pregnant with Luke my water broke at 22 weeks and lost most of my amniotic fluid by week 23rd. Doctors are not sure why my water broke so soon so to prevent the same from happening my doctor has put me on the progesterone shot ever since I was 16 weeks. I am a big girl and I can take pain pretty good in my opinion but after a while the shots can get a little old specially the day I get them.

On our anatomy ultrasound at 22 weeks we found out our precious baby gilr is growing healthy and beautiful but I have some uterine fibroids which are not so threatening to the baby because the appeared after 20 weeks into the pregnancy. It can eventually while I get bigger and the baby pushing on my organs cause some pain and discomfort and when I deliver it can cause some bleeding. Things could be worst but is manageable and can be controlled according to the doctors.

At 26 weeks I had my glucose test and some how I managed to fail it :( Now I have gestational diabetes and I am on a 6 meal diet and have to poke my fingers four times a day. Thankfully I went to see the Fetal Maternal Medicine Doctor on Monday and our baby is doing well. I have been poking my fingers for two weeks and my hands fall asleep at night and in the morning my fingers are soared.

Like I said I am beyond thankful that God has given us the opportunity to accomplish so much with this pregnancy but I am a little discouraged. I just ask myself that after all we have gone through with loosing our first three babies can we just get a break? Some days I do really good and others I feel like a whining baby but I know I am not. I know that I am strong and I can handle it but I just wish things were a little easier.

I am afraid to express my concerns because I feel like they will think I am just complaining when may I am but don't I have a right to? Yes I have lost Hope, Luke, and Faith but I am still human and I didn't see why I have to settle and not complaint. What is wrong with wanting what others have as far as the whole pregnancy bliss?

I am having fun and happy overall but I just thinks it seems it has been one thing after another and with all this things affecting me but again very thankful that my daughter is doing great! Ugh!! I just want to feel better and not hurt.

On a positive note my friend Susie is throwing me a baby shower at work next Friday and I am both excited and nervous because I didn’t get to experience any of this with Luke.
On May 05, 2012 my mom is hosting another baby shower with family and friends so I am looking forward to all of that fun stuff J

I also began my search for a photographer for Maternity and new born pictures and I pray that I get the opportunity to experience that which I am super excited about capturing this pregnancy.

I know things will fall into place with God’s help and whatever comes my way he will be there for me to pick me up when I fall. I just hope and pray that soon I will be able to hold my Ema in my arms healthy and alive and it will be worth every pain, ache and frustration that I am experiencing right now…..

14 Weeks with baby #4

I have been keeping a secret that James and I are expecting blessing # 4 for obvious reasons. I actually had asked James if we could keep it a secret until hopefully with God's will I was in labour but is very unrealistic.
We went from loosing our third baby to being excited about seeing a specialist to begin testing to get some answers and a month later baby #4 was i the picture.
We did get the blood work back from the both of us and everything came back good but I can not continue further testing until I am no longer pregnant.
It has been pretty crazy 14 weeks!! I have been sleeping most of the time and more sleeping. Oh! also I have been going to the doctor every week for an ultrasound and blood work.
Three weeks ago I went back to my regular Ob and we discussed putting me on progesterone shots at 16 weeks all the way to 36 weeks. My ob mentioned that insurance companies never want to pay for them but that she was going to do her best to fight with them.
Today a nurse from my insurance company called me to let me know that it was approved!!! I have to pay my prescription co pay or my regular co pay. She also said that she was going to be checking on my every two weeks until I get to 20 weeks and then weekly after that. She was very nice and even offered to come to my house after I am 20 weeks to help prevent falls since I live in the 2nd floor apartment loft.
I really didn't think the insurance will approve for someone to come out and administer the shots and pay for them as well. The shots are retail price without insurance $1,000 so I can see why they would not want to pay $4,000 a month for me, but thanks to my amazing Lord and my doctor's office that they we got them approved!!
This week has been a week of nothing but blessing after blessing.
I often find myself being aware that even tough everything is going well so far nothing is guaranteed and that once again God is in control.
I try my hardest to enjoy each week and each milestone to the max and thank God for each week I get with my peanut. God knows what is the plan for this blessing and I am ok with what he has in store for us. As I type this is really hard to digest it...I know I trust God and I know he loves me like no one else does but yet I know he has chose me to be a mom in a very different way that I would of never choose myself.
For now I am here at 14 weeks with a little more energy to write and document this journey and praying that this journey has a happy ending :)

Testings on hold

James and I went to an infertility doctor a couple weeks ago to see if there are any testing out there to help us for future pregnancies.
The appointment went great we really liked Dr. Griffith he explain there is a seven step testing. He mentioned that 70% of the time he is able to find something.
The first step was tons of blood work from me and one little tube of blood from James that's it! After that I was suppose to call Dr. Griffith and let him know the 1st day of my period to proceed with further testing.
I have been a little stressed out about having the procedure done and aslsoJames has been out of a job.
I was schedule to star my period on October 31 and I didn't which no big deal because I was having menstrual cramps so I thought. Two days went by and nothing but I figured that it was stress plus I just had a miscarriage and I figured my body is still trying to go back to normal but NOPE! I am pregnant once again... When I saw the two lines I started to cry like a baby. I couldn't stop sobbing and eventually my husband found me in the restroom with a pregnancy test in my hand crying like a mad woman.
I have no idea what is going to happen this time around so I just have to remember what I read the other day " If God brought you to it he will bring you through it"
I called the Dr. 's office the next day and they immediately began blood work, progesterone, and baby aspirin.
I have another appointment on Monday for blood work to make sure the numbers are increasing like they are suppose to.
I'm a little anxious but I'm trying to think that I'm not pregnant and believe it or not it has helped so far.
I think once I see a heartbeat I can be at peace and relax a little.

Hope's 2nd Birthday in Heaven!

So my baby Hope has been in Heave for two years now and I miss my first love so much!! I can not believe that two years later not only we lost Hope, our son Luke and baby Faith two months ago. I am so happy that my babies are in heaven with the Lord and they are being God's little warriors.
I am heart broken for James and I since we are the parents of three angels and we have no living children. I know that having a baby here on earth replaces ANY of our babies in heaven.
All James and I want is to have the joy of having a baby without adding more angels in heaven. I was feeling sad Sunday morning because I was thinking of Hope and weather it was a boy or a girl, and who did he/she looks like, and how long before we meet out little one!
Hope has giving me so many blessings and so much love. This experience has brought heart ache and Joy all at once.

Happy belated Heavenly Birthday my precious child !

The Walk To Remember

I know I am a little late but I had not had the energy to write about anything and tonight I want to. October 1, 2011 was the M.E.N.D. to remember and I was so happy a lot of my family was able to come and share that special moment with us <3 Although I was a little upset because they were a little late to the ceremony but once they got there I was happy.

My awesome mom paid for us to have shirts made for that day and James came up with the design in just a few hours which was pretty stressful but I think he did a pretty good job ;) I mean we only had 5 days before the walk and needed to come up with something quick in order to get the shirts in time and after the Walk we went to have dinner and got so many compliments on them which made James very proud of his hard work!

Last Year the weather was awesome but I have to say this year the day was just too beautiful and wishes that it was outdoors but living in Houston that is not always the best way to go. I was in love with the ornaments Robyn made and I can't wait to put them on my Christmas tree! It was special when James and I had to hang the ornaments on the tree but sad in our hearts to add one more ornament but happy that we have three beautiful babies waiting for us :)



My favorite part of this is of course the balloon release and this one was amazing! my family got to write on the balloons and dad even drew my babies insect I identify them by and it was pretty sweet. Dad is so creative and surprises me with his crazy creativity I mean what can I say I am daddy's girl.

Last year and this year we tied all of our balloons together and then released them to destination heaven where three beautiful angels await for us in a beautiful place.

The sun was just stunning!

Don&apos;t wanna forget!!

I do not know why but today I have felt the need to record EVERYTHING! about my babies that I can remember. I feel like if I don't I will forget and regret it badly. I even took some sleeping pills but I even feel hypier and anxious about writing.

Maybe is because this month has been extremely overwhelming!! I lost baby hope 2 1/2 weeks ago, Hope's 2nd anniversary is coming up next month, and Luke....Luke is always in my mind because everything reminds me of him.

I have been replaying Luke's birth over and over in my head. I replay it and guilt comes and over powers my beautiful memories and then the Holy Spirit comes to my rescue by reminding me my prayer to God when the nurse said the words I did not want to hear "you are 2cmm dilated". I prayed to the Lord and specifically asked him to do what it was best for the both of us. I told God that my life and my son's were in his hands and that I trusted him and to let it be his will.

That is when I realized that God's will was done and I have to understand that God could of saved Luke if he wanted to even though I feel like I didn't go to the hospital quickly enough. God brought Lazarus back from the death so if God's plans were for Luke to live on this earth, God would of let him live.

God's plans are greater than mine so I know Hope, Luke and Faith are part of the bigger picture I can't see yet. I just know in my heart that I do't want to forget any detail of my babies and I need to stop for a moment through out the day and write down everything and anything about their tiny lives :)

Our thrid loss

So I was right! as much as I hate to say it I knew my motherly instinct. All my family and friends were saying I was way too negative about this pregnancy and that I needed to relax and be positive.

Well We went to the doctor almost two weeks ago and found out that we were not gonna have a baby. Apparently this pregnancy was abnormal like Hope and the baby just stopped developing.

It was like I knew this was gonna happen but yet I had hope in my heart that may be the third was going to be the charm. I don't know what to think anymore or where we are standing as future pregnancies but I am still clinging to God and his mercy. I have no clue what the guy is doing up there but I know in my heart he has something good in store for us.

I hate to see my better half hurting and wondering "what the heck!" but I know he feels the same way about God and how he has something for us. I can not even digest it yet that we lost our third baby!

Luke's 1st birthday in heaven!

So Luke's birthday was last Tuesday July 26 and even tough I was anticipating the day it turned out to be so awesome!

We started our morning by picking up Elmo cup cakes and flowers to celebrate. We fidget went to the Methodist Hospital to my OBGYN office to drop off some of the boxes I made. We delivered 20 Hope's Butterfly Kisses boxed and cup cakes for the staff.

From there we headed to TRH where Luke was born and delivered the rest of the boxes and cup cakes for his nurses. Sadly we didn't get to see any of our nurses but it was worth going. The nurses that received the boxes were very happy that I brought them oh and happy about the cup cakes...lol

After all that running we had a service for our son and it was so beautiful. My family and friends from MEND were there. I did not cry the whole day. I was more happy for all the blessings We have received through Luke's life. Luke did not live in this earthly life but he has impacted so many lives that is hard to comprehend.

I was very thankful for having such a great 1st birthday heaven for Luke.

down

I woke up feeling down today & I hate that feeling. I need to snap out of it and try my best to enjoy my weekend. I can't wait for Luke's birthday :) I miss him so much that I wish I could see him one more time. I feel like a bad mother for getting pregnant before my little man's 1st birthday . I feel that my worry and anxiety has over shadow his birthday. I also feel bad with penitent because I'm trying really hard to be indifferent to him/she bring in my womb & being part of me. I just want to feel better & all this fear to go away.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

5 weeks!

So tomorrow according to the baby calculator I will be 5 weeks. I just found out a week ago & it feels like it has been an eternity which means I have another 5 weeks to make it to my first ob appointment.

It is strange that I don't have the same symptoms as my first two pregnancies and in a way I feel paranoid. I feel good though but I also know is early in the pregnancy.

I really try not to think about it so I don't worry about it. I don't want to live like this though out this journey.

It is hard to trust God right know and it sounds wrong because he is the only way and the only one that is in control of my life and this baby. It is hard to pray form a healthy baby because I did that with Hope and Luke and they are not here with me. I know that they are in a better place than here and they have a HUGE purpose in heaven. I just miss my babies that's all....

keeping it a secret

Part of me wants to keep my pregnancy a secret in case something bad happening I don't feel like a failure again. My husband doesn't think that I should because at the end of the day family and friends are needed during happy & tough times
I guess he is right but I am terribly scared & I'm having a rough time hearing "congrats!!".
I know it sounds silly but I feel people shouldn't congratulate me because there is either a long roars or a very short one ahead of us.
I love this baby already but I feel like is hard to get attached in fear of suffering once again.
We have awesome family & friends so I don't think I can keep it a secret. I want to be discrete about it since I know other women that have gone throughmy path just here recently & don't want to upset.
I don't know what God had in store for me but whatever it is I am here to be used by him.
As I have done in the past I offer God my child and let it be his will.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.1

Two lines

July 12, 2012 I found out I am pregnant again!!! I just blog about getting on birth control and being nervous about our genetics appt.
I have to say the appointment went well and we got positive news.
I haven't been able to digest this part of me feels terrified, sad, nervous and a little happy.
I am not afraid of having a child but rather loosing another one.
I still think I am in denial & hasn't sink in so I catch my self looking at the pregnancy test with the two lines confirming the unexpected.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.1

Playing catch up!

So Luke's 1st birthday is right around the corner and so much to do! I finally finished all 35 beed bracelets that will go in Hope's Butterfly Kisses boxes but I still have get some of these boxes, paint them and put each one together. I know what your thinking 35 boxes is not that much...trust me I thought the same thing and now I realize how much work is involve.

Beside my boxes we finally decided to make an appointment with a genetic counselor. I really think is pointless but is something my husband feels more comfortable doing so I will compromise. We were suppose to meet with this genetic counselor last year right after we lost out little man and it feels like we are catching up.

I also decided to get on birth control and I am a little scared since I have never been on it but I hope it all goes well. It is almost a year since loosing Luke and I thought I would feel ready to try again, but is not the case.

I think baby #3 is going to happen when it does and if it doesn't then we will go to plan B, C, or D (which I have no clue what they are yet). I know for sure that I am not getting another puppy to cure my baby fever....lol three dogs are more than enough but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Tonight I need to clean mi Casa because it is a disaster since I have been working a lot I feel like I have no time for nothing.

I have to re order Luke's birthday cards because I am such a dumb a@$$ and misspelled a word on the cards and my husband was upset because I didn't let him proof read them prior to ordering the.Also he is upset because I didn't make him part of it ordering his birthday cards. Who understands them! Sometimes he wants to participate and sometimes like it doesn't matter what I do regarding Luke and Hope.

I really wanted to have a Catholic service on Luke's birthday and have family and friends come but I have no idea if my church would do something like that since he was not baptized prior
to passing away. There are so many "rules" in my faith that I'm not sure. But as always I left everything at the last minute and I think is a little too late. Maybe next year :)

So much to do in so little time!!!

30 days and counting!

I can't be alive that in less 30 day it will be Luke's 1st birthday in heaven! Some days seem like it has been for ever and others seems like it was yesterday when I was on my way to the hospital thinking I just had an infection. Never I imagine I would deliver Luke in less than 24 hours after being in the hospital.

I miss my little guy and often struggle with the decision of becoming pregnant again. I am anticipating his birthday because I have no clue how I would feel that day. I also anticipate it because I made these comfort boxes that will be donated to my doctor's office for BLM. This also means I need to hurry up and finish up this project.

I am also looking forward to our trip to celebrate our son's birthday and his short little life. I love you and miss you my Luke!