Testings on hold

James and I went to an infertility doctor a couple weeks ago to see if there are any testing out there to help us for future pregnancies.
The appointment went great we really liked Dr. Griffith he explain there is a seven step testing. He mentioned that 70% of the time he is able to find something.
The first step was tons of blood work from me and one little tube of blood from James that's it! After that I was suppose to call Dr. Griffith and let him know the 1st day of my period to proceed with further testing.
I have been a little stressed out about having the procedure done and aslsoJames has been out of a job.
I was schedule to star my period on October 31 and I didn't which no big deal because I was having menstrual cramps so I thought. Two days went by and nothing but I figured that it was stress plus I just had a miscarriage and I figured my body is still trying to go back to normal but NOPE! I am pregnant once again... When I saw the two lines I started to cry like a baby. I couldn't stop sobbing and eventually my husband found me in the restroom with a pregnancy test in my hand crying like a mad woman.
I have no idea what is going to happen this time around so I just have to remember what I read the other day " If God brought you to it he will bring you through it"
I called the Dr. 's office the next day and they immediately began blood work, progesterone, and baby aspirin.
I have another appointment on Monday for blood work to make sure the numbers are increasing like they are suppose to.
I'm a little anxious but I'm trying to think that I'm not pregnant and believe it or not it has helped so far.
I think once I see a heartbeat I can be at peace and relax a little.

Hope's 2nd Birthday in Heaven!

So my baby Hope has been in Heave for two years now and I miss my first love so much!! I can not believe that two years later not only we lost Hope, our son Luke and baby Faith two months ago. I am so happy that my babies are in heaven with the Lord and they are being God's little warriors.
I am heart broken for James and I since we are the parents of three angels and we have no living children. I know that having a baby here on earth replaces ANY of our babies in heaven.
All James and I want is to have the joy of having a baby without adding more angels in heaven. I was feeling sad Sunday morning because I was thinking of Hope and weather it was a boy or a girl, and who did he/she looks like, and how long before we meet out little one!
Hope has giving me so many blessings and so much love. This experience has brought heart ache and Joy all at once.

Happy belated Heavenly Birthday my precious child !

The Walk To Remember

I know I am a little late but I had not had the energy to write about anything and tonight I want to. October 1, 2011 was the M.E.N.D. to remember and I was so happy a lot of my family was able to come and share that special moment with us <3 Although I was a little upset because they were a little late to the ceremony but once they got there I was happy.

My awesome mom paid for us to have shirts made for that day and James came up with the design in just a few hours which was pretty stressful but I think he did a pretty good job ;) I mean we only had 5 days before the walk and needed to come up with something quick in order to get the shirts in time and after the Walk we went to have dinner and got so many compliments on them which made James very proud of his hard work!

Last Year the weather was awesome but I have to say this year the day was just too beautiful and wishes that it was outdoors but living in Houston that is not always the best way to go. I was in love with the ornaments Robyn made and I can't wait to put them on my Christmas tree! It was special when James and I had to hang the ornaments on the tree but sad in our hearts to add one more ornament but happy that we have three beautiful babies waiting for us :)



My favorite part of this is of course the balloon release and this one was amazing! my family got to write on the balloons and dad even drew my babies insect I identify them by and it was pretty sweet. Dad is so creative and surprises me with his crazy creativity I mean what can I say I am daddy's girl.

Last year and this year we tied all of our balloons together and then released them to destination heaven where three beautiful angels await for us in a beautiful place.

The sun was just stunning!

Don&apos;t wanna forget!!

I do not know why but today I have felt the need to record EVERYTHING! about my babies that I can remember. I feel like if I don't I will forget and regret it badly. I even took some sleeping pills but I even feel hypier and anxious about writing.

Maybe is because this month has been extremely overwhelming!! I lost baby hope 2 1/2 weeks ago, Hope's 2nd anniversary is coming up next month, and Luke....Luke is always in my mind because everything reminds me of him.

I have been replaying Luke's birth over and over in my head. I replay it and guilt comes and over powers my beautiful memories and then the Holy Spirit comes to my rescue by reminding me my prayer to God when the nurse said the words I did not want to hear "you are 2cmm dilated". I prayed to the Lord and specifically asked him to do what it was best for the both of us. I told God that my life and my son's were in his hands and that I trusted him and to let it be his will.

That is when I realized that God's will was done and I have to understand that God could of saved Luke if he wanted to even though I feel like I didn't go to the hospital quickly enough. God brought Lazarus back from the death so if God's plans were for Luke to live on this earth, God would of let him live.

God's plans are greater than mine so I know Hope, Luke and Faith are part of the bigger picture I can't see yet. I just know in my heart that I do't want to forget any detail of my babies and I need to stop for a moment through out the day and write down everything and anything about their tiny lives :)

Our thrid loss

So I was right! as much as I hate to say it I knew my motherly instinct. All my family and friends were saying I was way too negative about this pregnancy and that I needed to relax and be positive.

Well We went to the doctor almost two weeks ago and found out that we were not gonna have a baby. Apparently this pregnancy was abnormal like Hope and the baby just stopped developing.

It was like I knew this was gonna happen but yet I had hope in my heart that may be the third was going to be the charm. I don't know what to think anymore or where we are standing as future pregnancies but I am still clinging to God and his mercy. I have no clue what the guy is doing up there but I know in my heart he has something good in store for us.

I hate to see my better half hurting and wondering "what the heck!" but I know he feels the same way about God and how he has something for us. I can not even digest it yet that we lost our third baby!

Luke's 1st birthday in heaven!

So Luke's birthday was last Tuesday July 26 and even tough I was anticipating the day it turned out to be so awesome!

We started our morning by picking up Elmo cup cakes and flowers to celebrate. We fidget went to the Methodist Hospital to my OBGYN office to drop off some of the boxes I made. We delivered 20 Hope's Butterfly Kisses boxed and cup cakes for the staff.

From there we headed to TRH where Luke was born and delivered the rest of the boxes and cup cakes for his nurses. Sadly we didn't get to see any of our nurses but it was worth going. The nurses that received the boxes were very happy that I brought them oh and happy about the cup cakes...lol

After all that running we had a service for our son and it was so beautiful. My family and friends from MEND were there. I did not cry the whole day. I was more happy for all the blessings We have received through Luke's life. Luke did not live in this earthly life but he has impacted so many lives that is hard to comprehend.

I was very thankful for having such a great 1st birthday heaven for Luke.

down

I woke up feeling down today & I hate that feeling. I need to snap out of it and try my best to enjoy my weekend. I can't wait for Luke's birthday :) I miss him so much that I wish I could see him one more time. I feel like a bad mother for getting pregnant before my little man's 1st birthday . I feel that my worry and anxiety has over shadow his birthday. I also feel bad with penitent because I'm trying really hard to be indifferent to him/she bring in my womb & being part of me. I just want to feel better & all this fear to go away.

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