Life has changed

It has been a long time since I have been here and I miss it... I have been so busy with my new bundle of joy that I'm finally getting a hang of being a new mom in this world :)

My last post was about my baby showers & the happy memories I have that one day I will share with Emma.

It has been four rough month of adjusting to be a mom & still grieving my babies specially Luke.

I need to start visiting this place more often and start writing in details how my life has changed since October of 2009.

Emma Grace Johnson!!

We finally have our daughter's full name and I am very excited!! About three months ago I choose her forst name was wanting her spelling Ema because that is the original Spanish version, but came to realize that she will be correcting people on how to spell her name so we ended up going with Emma. I also like Emma because it has four letters like Luke's name and Emma are the 1st four letters of my brothers's name Emmanuel which in my opinion is one of the most beautiful name I know. As far as middle names James and I kept disagreeing on everything! we went from "Ema Ree", "Ema Jane", "Ema Pax" and even "Ema something I can't even remeber but it sounded real country...lol! Yester day before work I went to get me a biscut at Mcdonnalds and here lately out of no where I turn the station to jspj and the song Amazing grace was on. As I sat in my car after getting back from Mcdonnalds I teared up and thought how gracious my God has been through this journey of being a mom. I also was thinking of all of my babies and then went on with my day. As I am drving to work it hit me!! Grace!! Emma Grace!! I almost called my husband but decided to wait until I see him to see his honest reaction. After work I told him what happened that morning and I like Emma Grace and he said YES!! Finally we both agree on her name!! Just feel so happy about having her full name :)

Baby Shower #1

Friday April 27, 2012 my friend and co worker Susie is throwing a work baby shower at the office after work and I can't beleive I am going to say this but I am really excited!!

After loosing Luke right before we started planing his baby shower and after loosing Faith I had never been much of a baby shower fan. I am also the type of person that I do not like being the center of attention not even at my own birthday party so I tought having a baby shower would be torture for me.

Since I have a different view and I am in a different place after loosing my three precious angels I can not wait to gather with people I care about and are my second family to celebrate our daughter. I often every now and then fear things like " what if we have a baby shower and then the Lord decided to take our daughter to heaven?" Well if he does I still want to enjoy my princess and create great memories with her and my loved ones.

Also I have learned through tough times that when someone that loves you and wants to do something for you let them! I am stubborn and I try prevent others from doing things for me. Susie Garza is a great friend that I know from work and that I love dearly. She has been very excited since I got pregnant with Faith then we lost that baby and then got pregnant again with our baby girl! Susie is like an older sister to me and now she is like Emma's auntie :)

I can't wait till tomorrow and eat the cake I think is the thing I am mostly excited about the baby shower. I mean really this party is all for my princess and all there is in it for me is the cake :0

Catch up!

It seems like forever since I have been here and I miss it. I think pretty soon my blog will need a make over because so much has happened in the last year since I have been blogging.
When I started my blog I had only lost Hope and Luke and I felt there was hope for one day James and I having the privilege of having a child here on earth and during that year we lost our third precious angel Faith and now expecting our fourth blessing.

Since my last posting I was 14 month pregnant and just announced to our family and close friends that we were expecting and I think I made it public on my FB when I was 15-16 weeks. Now I am almost 29 weeks and we found out we are having a beautiful baby girl!!

I feel so blessed but so overwhelmed and I do not want to seem ungrateful for all that has been accomplished so far by God's grace and love. When I was pregnant with Luke my water broke at 22 weeks and lost most of my amniotic fluid by week 23rd. Doctors are not sure why my water broke so soon so to prevent the same from happening my doctor has put me on the progesterone shot ever since I was 16 weeks. I am a big girl and I can take pain pretty good in my opinion but after a while the shots can get a little old specially the day I get them.

On our anatomy ultrasound at 22 weeks we found out our precious baby gilr is growing healthy and beautiful but I have some uterine fibroids which are not so threatening to the baby because the appeared after 20 weeks into the pregnancy. It can eventually while I get bigger and the baby pushing on my organs cause some pain and discomfort and when I deliver it can cause some bleeding. Things could be worst but is manageable and can be controlled according to the doctors.

At 26 weeks I had my glucose test and some how I managed to fail it :( Now I have gestational diabetes and I am on a 6 meal diet and have to poke my fingers four times a day. Thankfully I went to see the Fetal Maternal Medicine Doctor on Monday and our baby is doing well. I have been poking my fingers for two weeks and my hands fall asleep at night and in the morning my fingers are soared.

Like I said I am beyond thankful that God has given us the opportunity to accomplish so much with this pregnancy but I am a little discouraged. I just ask myself that after all we have gone through with loosing our first three babies can we just get a break? Some days I do really good and others I feel like a whining baby but I know I am not. I know that I am strong and I can handle it but I just wish things were a little easier.

I am afraid to express my concerns because I feel like they will think I am just complaining when may I am but don't I have a right to? Yes I have lost Hope, Luke, and Faith but I am still human and I didn't see why I have to settle and not complaint. What is wrong with wanting what others have as far as the whole pregnancy bliss?

I am having fun and happy overall but I just thinks it seems it has been one thing after another and with all this things affecting me but again very thankful that my daughter is doing great! Ugh!! I just want to feel better and not hurt.

On a positive note my friend Susie is throwing me a baby shower at work next Friday and I am both excited and nervous because I didn’t get to experience any of this with Luke.
On May 05, 2012 my mom is hosting another baby shower with family and friends so I am looking forward to all of that fun stuff J

I also began my search for a photographer for Maternity and new born pictures and I pray that I get the opportunity to experience that which I am super excited about capturing this pregnancy.

I know things will fall into place with God’s help and whatever comes my way he will be there for me to pick me up when I fall. I just hope and pray that soon I will be able to hold my Ema in my arms healthy and alive and it will be worth every pain, ache and frustration that I am experiencing right now…..

14 Weeks with baby #4

I have been keeping a secret that James and I are expecting blessing # 4 for obvious reasons. I actually had asked James if we could keep it a secret until hopefully with God's will I was in labour but is very unrealistic.
We went from loosing our third baby to being excited about seeing a specialist to begin testing to get some answers and a month later baby #4 was i the picture.
We did get the blood work back from the both of us and everything came back good but I can not continue further testing until I am no longer pregnant.
It has been pretty crazy 14 weeks!! I have been sleeping most of the time and more sleeping. Oh! also I have been going to the doctor every week for an ultrasound and blood work.
Three weeks ago I went back to my regular Ob and we discussed putting me on progesterone shots at 16 weeks all the way to 36 weeks. My ob mentioned that insurance companies never want to pay for them but that she was going to do her best to fight with them.
Today a nurse from my insurance company called me to let me know that it was approved!!! I have to pay my prescription co pay or my regular co pay. She also said that she was going to be checking on my every two weeks until I get to 20 weeks and then weekly after that. She was very nice and even offered to come to my house after I am 20 weeks to help prevent falls since I live in the 2nd floor apartment loft.
I really didn't think the insurance will approve for someone to come out and administer the shots and pay for them as well. The shots are retail price without insurance $1,000 so I can see why they would not want to pay $4,000 a month for me, but thanks to my amazing Lord and my doctor's office that they we got them approved!!
This week has been a week of nothing but blessing after blessing.
I often find myself being aware that even tough everything is going well so far nothing is guaranteed and that once again God is in control.
I try my hardest to enjoy each week and each milestone to the max and thank God for each week I get with my peanut. God knows what is the plan for this blessing and I am ok with what he has in store for us. As I type this is really hard to digest it...I know I trust God and I know he loves me like no one else does but yet I know he has chose me to be a mom in a very different way that I would of never choose myself.
For now I am here at 14 weeks with a little more energy to write and document this journey and praying that this journey has a happy ending :)