Emma's 1st Birthday!!

Emma's 1st Birthday Party!! My sweetness turned one in a blink of an eye. My precious loving girl is growing so fast and each day it passes by I'm more and more in love with her. I can't believe she is mine! It's hard to believe God gifted to me this beautiful girl and I am so undeserving of her. God I thank you for this child and the four that are with you. I love Emma's love for me is like no other I have experience before. I have experience the love I have as a mother when birthing our first born but this is the first time I get to feel my child love me back in such a beautiful way. My heart smiled and rejoiced seeing Emma be so her at her birthday party. She was happy, wild and teething  toddler. I will be honest I get physically tire as most moms do but my heart never wants to miss a beat. Every moment I treasure twice much, once for her and once for Luke. By no means I'm trying to live his life through hers but I enjoy her milestones as if I was celebrating his too. It's hard to explain but I don't want to take Emma for granted as I wish I got to celebrate Luke's milestone and I know I never will. Being a grieving mom is complicated and not easy. I think being a mon period is the most difficult job ever but the most rewarding in the entire universe. I often think of Mary on how she felt as she gave birth to our savior and loved him and care for him knowing he was going to die for us. I view Mary as one if us grieving moms only difference she knew her son will die and I didn't and to be honest I don't know which one is worst. Emma Grace Johnson my little girl I hope one day you have the opportunity to be a mommy if that is what God has planned for you because you will be in love with you child like I am with you and your brother. I hope that one day like Mary you follow God. As I think no one else loves you more than me, God does and you will see and learn it pretty soon. I love you my Bonita with all my heart and momma is happy that you had a wonderful 1st Birthday.

I am thankful but I still hurt

One thing my mom always taught me was to be thankful for the little or the much that we had. One of the things she taught me at an early age was to say "thank you". We prayed before meals and thank God for them. We prayed before bed and Thank him for all his glory.

I have always been thankful for the good and even the bad that life throws at me. No one really likes the bad and how does it make sense to be thankful for it. Well I was also taught by mom that we learned from the bad that we go though life and makes us stronger and better.

I have always consider myself VERY blessed or for those who think being blessed is lucky then I guess I am lucky too. I had a "normal" childhood , family and life. Life has ups and downs and pains and aces. Life has happy moments too and let me Thank God for that!

Today I am thankful because even though sometime I wish would of gone back to college and finish a bachelor's degree or had a higher paying job, I am thankful for what I currently have. I am beyond blessed to have supportive parents, brothers, and a few friends. I have in my eyes and heart the BEST  husband in the entire universe. I have the most beautiful, happy, lovable, adorable, precious and just amazing little girl that fills my heart with much joy that I feel like one of these days it will explode.

And somewhere along the lines of all this mess that I am writing I am hurting. I am hurting just like everyone else that is going through something bad or difficult in their lives. I don't think that my pain is greater than anyone else's but I am sure that my pain is well justified.

I am mother with a broken heart. I am Emma's mother but I am also my first born's mother. Yes I am the mother of my precious boy. I am the mother of a beautiful boy that is in heaven. I am also the mother of three other angels that I did not get to hold in my arms or see.

I am hurting because one of these angels is still inside of me. My precious baby is no longer alive but still in his/her mommy's womb. I am hurting because although I know the drill it still hurst physically, emotionally, and mentally.

I am thankful!!!! I am!! but I am hurting!! I am hurting and there is nothing wrong with that. I don't love my daughter less for hurting. I do not neglect her for hurting. It does not make me a bad mother for hurting.

So don't judge me be cause the man above doesn't!

31st Birthday!

Birthdays are usually anticipated by most people when we are very young and dreaded by other as we grow old. Birthdays form me have always been simple and fun. My birthdays are always surrounded by family.

This year was not the exception! But it was the BEST birthday I ever had. It was not the best because I got many gifts, or got tons of cash, or has a huge surprise party. It was the best because I woke up to this...

This was a reminder of why I love my husband so much and is not because what's in that box but because how thoughtful he is and has always been. He makes me feel so loved, so wanted, and so happy. He is not the only reason why this birthday was the best. Emma Grace is another huge reason why my birthday was the best.

Emma arrived to my life 7 months ago and as I see her very day I still can't believe she is here! Emma is the rainbow after our huge storm. Emma is the silver lining the cloud that we had been waiting for. She makes me so happy. She makes me feel so much more in love with her daddy. Emma is a reminder of the love that God has for us. She is also a reminder of how thankful I am to be her mother.

I still remember the day she was born. As I push that one last time I heard the doctor say "she is here"  I was waiting to hear her cry but all I recall is James say "Praise God!" Over and over again.  I saw the doctor hold Emma close to me and asking James if he wanted to cut her unbiblical cord and seeing him do it. As I was witnessing all of this there was no instant emotion until Emma was place in my arms. In that moment I cried, sob, and smiled all at the same time.

It was almost three years after we lost Hope that precious Emma came to our lives and although the pain of loosing our first three little angels I am so happy and thankful for our baby girl that I think I would do it all over gain. This does not mean that I will forget our to babies lost through miscarriage or our son Luke. It just means that even tough I have no idea why God chose me to be the mother of three angels I am more than honored and privileged to have carried them physically for short time but will forever hold them in my heart.

It is amazing to see my parents love on Emma. It is almost like Emma gets grandparents, parents, and uncle love times four. I know she defiantly gets is from me. I am a big loving person and I get it from my momma.

I'm a blessed 31 year old mother of four, a daughter, sister and friend. I'm lucky to have the husband I do, the parents I have, family and friends. Today I got tons of birthday balloons at work and its funny they still make me happy on birthdays and its funnier to see these balloons my girl smile really big :)

Cheers to many more happy Birthdays to come!

Life has changed

It has been a long time since I have been here and I miss it... I have been so busy with my new bundle of joy that I'm finally getting a hang of being a new mom in this world :)

My last post was about my baby showers & the happy memories I have that one day I will share with Emma.

It has been four rough month of adjusting to be a mom & still grieving my babies specially Luke.

I need to start visiting this place more often and start writing in details how my life has changed since October of 2009.

Emma Grace Johnson!!

We finally have our daughter's full name and I am very excited!! About three months ago I choose her forst name was wanting her spelling Ema because that is the original Spanish version, but came to realize that she will be correcting people on how to spell her name so we ended up going with Emma. I also like Emma because it has four letters like Luke's name and Emma are the 1st four letters of my brothers's name Emmanuel which in my opinion is one of the most beautiful name I know. As far as middle names James and I kept disagreeing on everything! we went from "Ema Ree", "Ema Jane", "Ema Pax" and even "Ema something I can't even remeber but it sounded real country...lol! Yester day before work I went to get me a biscut at Mcdonnalds and here lately out of no where I turn the station to jspj and the song Amazing grace was on. As I sat in my car after getting back from Mcdonnalds I teared up and thought how gracious my God has been through this journey of being a mom. I also was thinking of all of my babies and then went on with my day. As I am drving to work it hit me!! Grace!! Emma Grace!! I almost called my husband but decided to wait until I see him to see his honest reaction. After work I told him what happened that morning and I like Emma Grace and he said YES!! Finally we both agree on her name!! Just feel so happy about having her full name :)

Baby Shower #1

Friday April 27, 2012 my friend and co worker Susie is throwing a work baby shower at the office after work and I can't beleive I am going to say this but I am really excited!!

After loosing Luke right before we started planing his baby shower and after loosing Faith I had never been much of a baby shower fan. I am also the type of person that I do not like being the center of attention not even at my own birthday party so I tought having a baby shower would be torture for me.

Since I have a different view and I am in a different place after loosing my three precious angels I can not wait to gather with people I care about and are my second family to celebrate our daughter. I often every now and then fear things like " what if we have a baby shower and then the Lord decided to take our daughter to heaven?" Well if he does I still want to enjoy my princess and create great memories with her and my loved ones.

Also I have learned through tough times that when someone that loves you and wants to do something for you let them! I am stubborn and I try prevent others from doing things for me. Susie Garza is a great friend that I know from work and that I love dearly. She has been very excited since I got pregnant with Faith then we lost that baby and then got pregnant again with our baby girl! Susie is like an older sister to me and now she is like Emma's auntie :)

I can't wait till tomorrow and eat the cake I think is the thing I am mostly excited about the baby shower. I mean really this party is all for my princess and all there is in it for me is the cake :0

Catch up!

It seems like forever since I have been here and I miss it. I think pretty soon my blog will need a make over because so much has happened in the last year since I have been blogging.
When I started my blog I had only lost Hope and Luke and I felt there was hope for one day James and I having the privilege of having a child here on earth and during that year we lost our third precious angel Faith and now expecting our fourth blessing.

Since my last posting I was 14 month pregnant and just announced to our family and close friends that we were expecting and I think I made it public on my FB when I was 15-16 weeks. Now I am almost 29 weeks and we found out we are having a beautiful baby girl!!

I feel so blessed but so overwhelmed and I do not want to seem ungrateful for all that has been accomplished so far by God's grace and love. When I was pregnant with Luke my water broke at 22 weeks and lost most of my amniotic fluid by week 23rd. Doctors are not sure why my water broke so soon so to prevent the same from happening my doctor has put me on the progesterone shot ever since I was 16 weeks. I am a big girl and I can take pain pretty good in my opinion but after a while the shots can get a little old specially the day I get them.

On our anatomy ultrasound at 22 weeks we found out our precious baby gilr is growing healthy and beautiful but I have some uterine fibroids which are not so threatening to the baby because the appeared after 20 weeks into the pregnancy. It can eventually while I get bigger and the baby pushing on my organs cause some pain and discomfort and when I deliver it can cause some bleeding. Things could be worst but is manageable and can be controlled according to the doctors.

At 26 weeks I had my glucose test and some how I managed to fail it :( Now I have gestational diabetes and I am on a 6 meal diet and have to poke my fingers four times a day. Thankfully I went to see the Fetal Maternal Medicine Doctor on Monday and our baby is doing well. I have been poking my fingers for two weeks and my hands fall asleep at night and in the morning my fingers are soared.

Like I said I am beyond thankful that God has given us the opportunity to accomplish so much with this pregnancy but I am a little discouraged. I just ask myself that after all we have gone through with loosing our first three babies can we just get a break? Some days I do really good and others I feel like a whining baby but I know I am not. I know that I am strong and I can handle it but I just wish things were a little easier.

I am afraid to express my concerns because I feel like they will think I am just complaining when may I am but don't I have a right to? Yes I have lost Hope, Luke, and Faith but I am still human and I didn't see why I have to settle and not complaint. What is wrong with wanting what others have as far as the whole pregnancy bliss?

I am having fun and happy overall but I just thinks it seems it has been one thing after another and with all this things affecting me but again very thankful that my daughter is doing great! Ugh!! I just want to feel better and not hurt.

On a positive note my friend Susie is throwing me a baby shower at work next Friday and I am both excited and nervous because I didn’t get to experience any of this with Luke.
On May 05, 2012 my mom is hosting another baby shower with family and friends so I am looking forward to all of that fun stuff J

I also began my search for a photographer for Maternity and new born pictures and I pray that I get the opportunity to experience that which I am super excited about capturing this pregnancy.

I know things will fall into place with God’s help and whatever comes my way he will be there for me to pick me up when I fall. I just hope and pray that soon I will be able to hold my Ema in my arms healthy and alive and it will be worth every pain, ache and frustration that I am experiencing right now…..